My attempt at falling freely into the capable hands of God with RECKLESS TRUST in every aspect of my life.
The ups, the downs, and the laughable moments in between.
I found this draft of a post I started from 7/10/2010
I hate the cycle that I'm in My heart hurts. I just don't really know what to do with my life right now.
That's all it was. I guess I couldn't quite get the words to come all the way out and didn't feel like that was sufficient to be a blog post. Funny how I found that today. I think that post is true today, kind of. I hate the cycle of disappointments, yet I know why I risk. I hate that my heart hurts, yet I know that the aches make me ::stop:: and realize that I need Jesus more than anything. And I really don't know what to do with my life right now, but I know who to trust in. His name is Jesus.
I had a friend tell me that he immediately thought of me when he saw this clip. He thought I should go watch it.
Ouch.
I watch the video...I score pretty high on the pride test. As much as my spirit flinched when I was told this test brought me to mind, I knew I would fail any test on pride.
I don't want it to be an issue, but I know this is a huge struggle for me.
So many aspects of my personality and mannerisms are competitive, full of debate, and intense. I know that I'm prideful. I get mad at myself when I start getting super competitive, then friends/family can tell I'm worked up and assume I'm even more into winning than normal (that's a big amount). It's a slippery slope.
My biggest fear: embarrassment
Games I hate: charades, acting/singing in front of others unless it's worship music
My safety net: jokes or making fun of myself so no one else can first
At the core, my fears and my quirks are rooted in not wanting to look dumb. I want to appear put together. I don't want to feel stupid. If I truly believed and lived in the belief that Christ was all, the opinion of those around me wouldn't hold such merit in my everyday life.
As I study the humility of Christ, I see how far from that I am. I see that my pride is ugly. The core of me is utter depravity. I need Jesus more than ever. Oh that I would set my pride aside, humble myself, and ask God to do a mighty change in me. That I would recognize that my pride shames the Gospel. That the glory of God and wishing to honor Him with everything would be my motivation to surrender my great sin to the Lord.
A year ago today, a friend of mine died from liver cancer. He was 23.
My birthday is coming up. The big 2-5--A quarter of a century!
As my heart ached today remembering Peder and what today represented, I started smiling. On earth we count birthdays. The trend is to agonize over the next year. Western cultures war against nature and *gasp* getting OLD. Each year we mark down one more year finished. One less to live. One closer to death. We're terrified of death.
Peder just had his 1 year birthday in heaven. The neat thing...he's not counting down anymore. Heaven is forever. ETERNITY. One down, eternity to go. NO BIG DEAL. How exciting is that?! Forever with Jesus. In his presence. Adoring Him. At HOME with HIM. My heart beats faster just thinking about it.
I got to spend the last 3 days of my Spring Break in Austin, Texas for South by Southwest. I had been serving at a camp in Tyler, Texas for the first part of the week then got an invite to tag along to Austin for a weekend of music and fun with a friend that was also serving at the camp. He's way more into music (at least the kind that plays at SXSW) than I am, so he made the schedule of shows he thought would be awesome and I was all in.
I'm a white girl. I like classical music, baking, high heels, ruffles, romance novels, and craft projects. I drive a chevy malibu and love opera.
Scene: Holy Hip Hop Concert.
It's at a church, there are seats, then a stage with two DJs spinning and a whole bunch of people milling around waiting for the show to start. We take our seats. I'm feeling moderately self conscious, but okay. We're not too close to the front and claimed seats. I can blend in here. I still feel like people are staring at me. The emcees come out and welcome everyone and set two rules: no sitting, and they tell people to come up front by the stage (as the smoke machines start going off and rappers get ready to come out).
Dustin says, YES! LET'S GO!!
My heart SINKS. I'm like. uhhh. I'm so uncomfortable already. I'm going to stick out. I also don't want to sit by myself. I go up there. First rapper comes out. All I can think about is how awkward I feel. How people are judging how I stand and how I bop to the music and how I look. Then I start listening to the lyrics. They are about Jesus. They are about who we are in Christ. They are about the idols we hold above Him--ourselves.
Enter: Conviction.
I'm so wrapped up in myself that I'm missing the point in a HUGE way. My audience isn't the people around me. Their opinion of me isn't important. They aren't judging me. THEY are enjoying the music. THEY are having fun. They don't care nearly as much about me as I do. My insecurities are taking away from the GLORY due to Jesus Christ. As my heart is hurting over my own sin and ugly focus on myself, the lyrics these rappers are singing start delighting my heart. "Ain't no party like the holy ghost party cause the holy ghost party don't stop". I start singing along. I'm swaying. I'm loving it. I make friends with some girls next to me. I'm dancing. I'M HAVING A BLAST!
My own pride is my worst enemy. Pride was keeping me from encountering Jesus at that show. Pride was assuming that MY APPEARANCE was more worthy of the attention of people around me than the saving grace of Jesus Christ presented through rap lyrics.
I'm thankful for a God that humbles me and uses my filth to drop me to my knees and points me to Him.
Sorry I've been absent lately. School and life have kind of taken over. I wanted to share a few of the verses, thoughts, youtubes, quotes that have been impacting me. This is a random assortment of influences and thoughts, so bear with me.
We serve a big God.
An awesome God.
A mighty God.
A God that works through flawed people like you and me.
And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. -Hebrews 11:32-34
My prayer lately has been that God would increase my view of Him. I think we (especially in Western cultures) tend to put God in a box. A box of our preconceived notions and understandings about Him. We try to constrain the Almighty God so we can "get" who He is. When really-I think one of the most awe inspiring aspects of God is that He CANNOT be contained. He's the creator of the universe. He's the GREAT I AM. I'm learning and growing and praying that my faith in the author of the world would grow. That I could be counted with the heroes of the faith who walked boldly into fire knowing that the GOD WHO IS had their best in mind.
The molecular biologist that made my night was via a talk by Louie Giglio. Enjoy.
So many quotes/stories/opinions from recent conversations with my 180 kids, connection group, friends, legislation changes, etc. I'm just overwhelmed with what else to even share. More soon.
I am usually a peacemaker. I don't like conflict. I don't like dissension. I'm at an interesting point in my life--a place of transition. Going from a completely independent and "successful" life immersed in deep community to a new city (town?). New church. New relationships. Going from saving and spending money to debt and wishlists. Feeling like a failure because I'm choosing change instead of financial security and promotions. Knowing that this is right for now, yet struggling. In my current life situation, I recognize the need to FIGHT.
FIGHT for joy. FIGHT against lies that satan whispers to my broken places. FIGHT the empty/dark/twisty feelings that rage inside of me and threaten to take control of my entire being. FIGHT my tendencies to give glory to things of this world rather than my Savior. I want to join Jesus in the battle He's raging (has raged) for my soul. Oh that my worship would be an overflow of my lifestyle and heart. That the Lord would continue to draw me to Himself. That my life would be one that SHINES and DECLARES His glory.
My beautiful and wise sister (who recently entered the BLOGGING WORLD) encouraged me to read through Ephesians 6-- to ready myself for the battle.
Ephesians 6:10-20
10 Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by His vast strength. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics of the Devil. 12 For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens. 13 This is why you must take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand. 14 Stand, therefore, with truth like a belt around your waist, righteousness like armor on your chest, 15 and your feet sandaled with readiness for the gospel of peace. 16 In every situation take the shield of faith, and with it you will be able to extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is God's word. 18 With every prayer and request, pray at all times in the Spirit, and stay alert in this, with all perseverance and intercession for all the saints. 19 Pray also for me, that the message may be given to me when I open my mouth to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel. 20 For this I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I might be bold enough in Him to speak as I should.
He is all. He is enough. He is good. He fights for me. HE'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR! Lord, save me from myself.
the movie "How to train your Dragon" -THIS MOVIE IS EPIC! I loved it! My best friend was visiting from Minneapolis...we were planning to see another movie, but it was sold out. We "settled" for dragons. OH MAN-we were (okay, more me than steph) GIDDY with the film. It was so whimsical and fun. The soundtrack by John Powell is also very fabulous. Tons of soaring and flighty melodies. Do yourself a favor--DON'T watch the preview before it. I think the reason why we loved it so much is that we had NO idea what to expect. Kid friendly too!
the band Alpha Rev from Austin... I heard them at the Music for the City Album 1 Release show at La Zona Rosa a few weeks ago. I love their sound--very friendly for windows down summer driving.
the anticipation of things to come...the road trip with my mom back up to the midwest, the job I don't yet have, the new apartment I'm sure to find, a new city, possible summer international travels
cupcakes from Jesus- these are little happy things that happen day to day. For example, random stranger saying they like your dress at a gas station. Or a guy from a wedding emailing you a the week after the big day saying he saw you smiling at him and wished he'd have said hi at the wedding. Or pretty flowers you got a chance to smell in your office (they didn't even have to belong to you!). Recognizing simple pleasures in life that make life a little sweeter: cupake, and the giver is the one that gives everything in this life: Jesus. Thus, cupcake from Jesus.
having a pink nose from time spent outside at the pool, at bbqs, and enjoying the SUNSHINE!
I am passionate, sometimes to a fault. I forgive boldly. I am spontaneous. I live life beyond the realm of others' expectations. My highs are high and my lows are low. I would rather RISK and fail, than never risk and never truly live.
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