Life Anew

New Kari Jobe album on repeat, Americano in my hand, bible open at Cafe Milo.

Especially loving this song lately:

I'm hyped up on my quiet time (and previously mentioned americano) and wanted to share what the Lord pressed upon my heart.

I started reading in Zephaniah tonight. Chapter 3 talks about the day of the Lord. How we can graze and lie down and not be afraid--because we are under the care of the Good Shepherd. The chapter goes on to sing praise. To give us reason to praise: Exult and rejoice with my whole heart because the Lord has taken away the judgments against me. The Lord is HERE (in my midst). Let not my hands grow weak. This is the third scripture that has referenced weak hands or weak knees over the past week that I have come across (others are Hebrews 12:12 and Isaiah 35:3). This continued season of waiting requires me to persevere. To trust in the strength of the Lord. He gives strength or purpose when I have none. His action, presence, plan and words give me reason to REJOICE. Reason to HOPE. Reason to TRUST. Reason for LIFE ITSELF. How can I not be overwhelmed? 

I started reading through cross references, which took me to Ezekiel 36.

I kept reading into the next chapter: (Ezekiel 37:1-14 ESV)

    The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. And he said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” And I answered, “O Lord GOD, you know.” Then he said to me, “Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD.”
    So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them. Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, Thus says the Lord GOD: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.
    Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say, ‘Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.’ Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the LORD.”

What is my  response when I see death? Or brokenness? Or despair? If God asked, Anna- Can these dry bones live? Or to paraphrase--Anna, what is possible here? Do I have the faith to respond in a positive manner?

They say: Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off

God says: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the Lord when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it. 

Death cannot hold back the King of the Universe. Depression cannot stop Him. Pain and brokenness don't scare Him away. He sees it. He breathes life into dry and dead bones. For HIS NAME'S SAKE. For HIS glory.

Tonight he breathed life anew into my Spirit. He beckoned me to believe that nothing is impossible with him. To see my life and the lives of others through HIS eyes. To believe in faith that He can breathe life into death. I pray this over my heart and over the hearts of the women in my life I know are struggling with depression. That we would believe God is who He says He is. That we would cling to Him. That we would depend on his strength to lift up our weary hands. To praise Him through His power that He gladly pours over us.

Birthdays and Deathdays

A year ago today, a friend of mine died from liver cancer. He was 23.

My birthday is coming up. The big 2-5--A quarter of a century!

As my heart ached today remembering Peder and what today represented, I started smiling. On earth we count birthdays. The trend is to agonize over the next year. Western cultures war against nature and *gasp* getting OLD. Each year we mark down one more year finished. One less to live. One closer to death. We're terrified of death.

Peder just had his 1 year birthday in heaven. The neat thing...he's not counting down anymore. Heaven is forever. ETERNITY. One down, eternity to go. NO BIG DEAL. How exciting is that?! Forever with Jesus. In his presence. Adoring Him. At HOME with HIM. My heart beats faster just thinking about it. 

10 words that define 2010: My Valley

I saw a post from Elora a few days ago about 10 words that defined 2010. I loved it. I wasn't really planning to do my own, but it ended up writing itself while I was at Cafe Milo today with my journal and a delicious latte. 

• community
• heartache
• transition
• death
• brokenness
• worship
• beauty
• revelation
• growth
• identity

I expanded on each of the words, really thinking about what the year has been like. I'm not going to pretend that 2010 was a cakewalk. It wasn't at all. 2010 was the hardest year of my life, hands down. I experienced pain and rejection and death. Yet 2010 was probably one of the most JOYFUL years of my life as well. I had community. Friends that breathed life into the broken parts. A Savior that delighted my heart in simplicity when all of the complications of life seemed unbearable. 2010 was a year of change.  

I decided to flip back in my journal to see what I had written last year around this time. To read about what my dreams were for 2010. I found a short entry:

January 1, 2010.

My prayer for this year from the Valley of Vision:

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, 
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, 
where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; 
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory. 

Let me learn by paradox 
that the way down is the way up, 
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart, 
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, 
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, 
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, 
that to give is to receive, 
that the valley is the place of vision. 

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, 
Thy life in my death, 
Thy joy in my sorrow, 
Thy grace in my sin, 
Thy riches in my poverty,
Thy glory in my valley.

I was sitting in Cafe Milo and just started crying. GOD DID NOT ABANDON ME THIS YEAR! A few posts ago I wrote about how my God was there the day I got fired. As I read over the prayer that I felt the Lord laying on my heart to define the coming year back in January of 2010-- I saw an outline of my year. 

My God was there this YEAR. 

The year my heart broke.

The year a few of my friends walked away. 

The year I moved three times. 

The year my grandma and one of my great friends both died from cancer. 

The year I felt like such a failure. 

The year of dust and ashes. 

My prayer a year ago was that the Valley of Vision would define me. That I would live by paradox. The words that defined my year SCREAM of paradox. Growth. Death. Brokenness. yet Worship. Beauty. Identity.

I see 2011 as a year of HOPE. Of starting to see the seeds from 2010 start to bloom and grow. A year of beauty from the ashes of 2010. A year to press into my Savior. To cling to truth. To choose LIFE and JOY instead of shame and envy. To enjoy each season of my life the way I enjoy the seasons of nature. I anticipate spring rain to wash away the filth of winter. The thawing of cold and desolate places. Slow changes. Blossoms. Fresh wind. Warm rain. HOPE. 

I pray that I can run toward hope. Through truth I can grab ahold of hope and believe in change. A year ago I felt the Lord calling 2010 a Valley of Vision. I now see how true that was. 

Death is loss, but oh, what gain!

The past few months have kind of felt like a bad tv drama. You know, the ones with SO much going on that you say THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ONE PERSON! Jack Bauer, you can't possibly have been attacked and survived near fatal wounds in 173 zip codes in one hour of your 24 hour insane life. Only this manic depressive tv series is a reality show... it's real, and it's my life. Personal victories, car problems, death of loved ones, work drama, jet setting for weekends away, crazy new friends and unimaginable adventures. The best part about it is that every single aspect has changed me. From being faceplanted on the ground by my own failures to shaking with the thrill of new cities. I'm getting to see how everything is part of a master plan.

For example: on my way back from England a few months ago, I got stuck in Detroit over night because I got bumped from a flight. My compensation was a travel voucher for $400 and a lovely night stay at a dingy airport hotel. I was really frustrated, had to take an unpaid day from work etc. Went back to work the day after I got put on a flight telling the woes of my traveling hardships. That very week I got a call that my Grandma's health had taken a turn for the worse, I needed to get on a plane as soon as possible back to Iowa if I wanted to see her. Got on the phone that night to try to book an emergency health flight (some airlines do discounts etc)--it just happened that the flight would have been over $900, then with 50% off for medical emergency it was around $450, then once I applied the $400 voucher--I only paid about $100. THIS WAS SUCH A HUGE BLESSING--I had been questioning WHY in the world was it ME that had to get bumped from that flight, why an unpaid work day. Only to find out that the $400 voucher was well worth that night in a hotel room. I don't make $400 a day at work! So-bumped from flight = blessing in that scenario. I got to see the fingerprints of God displayed beautifully through seemingly tragic circumstances.

As I mentioned, I got to go home over Easter to spend time with my Grandma. We had an amazing time to just enjoy being together as a family. Simple things like singing hymns with everyone in her hospice room for an Easter service and hearing my Grandpa's testimony about her role in his walk with the Lord.

Today I got the news that my grandma went home to be with Jesus. Death is hard. Really hard. At least for those of us that are 'left behind'. A sermon I read by Charles Spurgeon called "Death is loss, but oh, what gain!" put it brilliantly:

"What! weep! weep for heads that are crowned with coronals of heaven? What, weep for hands that grasp the harps of gold? What, weep for eyes that see the Redeemer? What, weep for hearts that are washed from sin, and are throbbing with eternal bliss? What, weep for men that are in the Saviour's bosom?
No; weep for yourselves, that you are here. Weep that the mandate has not come which bids you to die. Weep that you must tarry. But weep not for them. I see them turning back on you with loving wonder, and they exclaim, "Why weepest thou?" What, weep for poverty that it is clothed in riches? What, weep for sickness, that it hath inherited, eternal health? What, weep for shame, that it is glorified; and weep for sinful mortality, that it hath become immaculate? Oh, weep not, but rejoice. "If ye knew what it was that I have said unto you, and whither I have gone, ye would rejoice with a joy that no man should take from you." - "TO DIE IS GAIN."
Ah, this makes the Christian long to die - makes him say, "Oh, that the word were given! O Lord of Hosts, the wave divide, and land us all in heaven!"

What an amazing reminder of what we have to look forward to! ETERNAL BLISS WITH GOD! So yes, I agree with CH Spurgeon. I weep. Not that she has gone ahead, but that I remain here. This is not my home! Someday I will join her again, in unending joy and communion with Christ. I know that she is no longer hurting. I know that she is able to SING with every fiber of her being again, that she is in the presence of GOD, and that she is FREE.

I fly home in the morning for the celebration of her life and amazing legacy. I'm really looking forward to remembering her zingy personality and wit, her die-hard competitive spirit, her beautiful voice, and her deep love for all of us. Lorna June Stevenson, you will be missed. DANCE on the streets of gold until I can come up and join you!!