The accidentally fabulous night

Leave work. Windows down, sunglasses on, jamming to the radio. 

Trader Joe's stop: sparkling pink lemonade, random produce, wine for sangria

Dinner of leftover quinoa with avocado and chicken.

Leave for new connection group.

Google map fail. I was going to try out a new connection group tonight. After driving around trying to find the "1st street/70th ave" exit for 30 minutes, I finally found the house where the Connection Group was supposed to meet. At that point -- I was going to be 30 minutes late. So, I drove away figuring that NEXT week I'll try it and be able to drive right to it. 

Got home. Decided to make homemade granola. See recipe below adapted from this recipe that my friend Hayden posted on my wall when I moved into my new place. During my aisle wandering at Trader Joe's, I started craving granola that doesn't cost $5 for a tiny box. BONUS: my apartment smells amazing!!

While the granola was baking, I made myself a margarita using my brand new margarita set that I decided that I couldn't live without from Pier 1.  Want to join me? Check out the recipes I used below.

GRANOLA - "best home smell ever" (thanks Hayden)

• 4 cups rolled oats
• 1 cup slivered almonds
• 1/2 cup cashews
• 1/2 cup chopped pecans
• 1 cup flax seed
• 1 cup shredded sweet coconut
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 1/4 cup maple syrup
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil
• 1/8-1/4 cup honey (depends how sweet you want to make it!), I used about 1/8 cup. 
• 3/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
• 1/4 teaspoon vanilla
• 1 cup dried bing cherries (original recipe suggested raisins. use any dried fruit! get creative.)

Directions

Preheat oven to 250 degrees F.

In a large bowl, combine the oats, nuts, flax seed, coconut, and brown sugar.

In a separate bowl, combine maple syrup, honey, oil, spices and salt. Combine both mixtures and pour onto 2 sheet pans. Cook for 45 minutes, stirring every 15 minutes. After 45 min, increase temperature to 275 - continue baking for 30 minutes still stirring every 15 minutes. Turn off oven, prop open oven door. I left it like that for about 15-20 more minutes so it would get nice and crunchy.

Remove from oven and transfer into a large bowl. Add dried fruit and mix until evenly distributed.  

MARGARITA 
1 oz tequila

1 oz Gran Gala orange liqueur
1 oz sweet and sour mix (or just 1 oz fresh lime juice instead of this for a more tart version)
juice of 1/4 of a lime

Pour Tequila, orange liqueur, and sweet and sour over ice. Add lime juice. Optional: rim glass with lime juice and salt or sugar (I used sugar!). Can be made frozen --blend in blender w/ 3 cups of ice. ENJOY!

 

How is it April?

Oh wait. I KNOW how it's April.

February is a short month - so no explanation needed for no post in February.

Highlights of the month were landing the job I've been waiting and waiting for and my valentine's girl date with my friend Lauren.

March -- well. March just FLEW by. I started my job on February 27th. It has been a whirlwind so far. Like drinking water from a fire hydrant. There's SO much to learn, and everyone is SO BUSY. I'm trying to take as much in as I can. Another highlight of March was hearing that my brother and his wife FINALLY got their referrals for their babies. I will be an aunt! Praying for process to fly by so those babies can be home with their mom and dad.

Things I'm learning:

 - I am a huge perfectionist at work. I HATE not knowing how to do things and HATE having to ask for help or feel like a bother to my co-workers.

 - Community takes time. I had the chance to go to a wedding last weekend for some sweet friends that were in my Ames Connection Group. I hadn't realized that I was lonely living in West Des Moines until I spent time around the people that make me feel the most alive. Leaving felt empty. I'm ready to dig in and find community in WDM.

 -  I've missed traveling. A LOT. I got to go to Orlando for a week for work and LOVED every second of it. I came back exhausted physically, but excited. So ready to travel for FUN or extend a work trip. Exhilarated about the thought.

So. I'm trying really hard at work, but realizing that I can only do what I can do. I cannot set unrealistic expectations for myself to be able to do everything perfectly right away. I need to give myself grace. I need to do my BEST, but not expect to know everything. I'm trying out connection groups at the new church I've been going to. Trying to find the right fit. To find a place where I can do life with people and seek Jesus together.

For now. Seeking Jesus. Trusting in Him day by day. Reminded every time that I panic about work that He is in control. And every time that I start to freak out about the tasks at hand, I'm denying that God's got it under control. Fully and completely. 

Life Anew

New Kari Jobe album on repeat, Americano in my hand, bible open at Cafe Milo.

Especially loving this song lately:

I'm hyped up on my quiet time (and previously mentioned americano) and wanted to share what the Lord pressed upon my heart.

I started reading in Zephaniah tonight. Chapter 3 talks about the day of the Lord. How we can graze and lie down and not be afraid--because we are under the care of the Good Shepherd. The chapter goes on to sing praise. To give us reason to praise: Exult and rejoice with my whole heart because the Lord has taken away the judgments against me. The Lord is HERE (in my midst). Let not my hands grow weak. This is the third scripture that has referenced weak hands or weak knees over the past week that I have come across (others are Hebrews 12:12 and Isaiah 35:3). This continued season of waiting requires me to persevere. To trust in the strength of the Lord. He gives strength or purpose when I have none. His action, presence, plan and words give me reason to REJOICE. Reason to HOPE. Reason to TRUST. Reason for LIFE ITSELF. How can I not be overwhelmed? 

I started reading through cross references, which took me to Ezekiel 36.

I kept reading into the next chapter: (Ezekiel 37:1-14 ESV)

    The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. And he said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” And I answered, “O Lord GOD, you know.” Then he said to me, “Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD.”
    So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them. Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, Thus says the Lord GOD: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.
    Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say, ‘Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.’ Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the LORD.”

What is my  response when I see death? Or brokenness? Or despair? If God asked, Anna- Can these dry bones live? Or to paraphrase--Anna, what is possible here? Do I have the faith to respond in a positive manner?

They say: Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off

God says: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the Lord when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it. 

Death cannot hold back the King of the Universe. Depression cannot stop Him. Pain and brokenness don't scare Him away. He sees it. He breathes life into dry and dead bones. For HIS NAME'S SAKE. For HIS glory.

Tonight he breathed life anew into my Spirit. He beckoned me to believe that nothing is impossible with him. To see my life and the lives of others through HIS eyes. To believe in faith that He can breathe life into death. I pray this over my heart and over the hearts of the women in my life I know are struggling with depression. That we would believe God is who He says He is. That we would cling to Him. That we would depend on his strength to lift up our weary hands. To praise Him through His power that He gladly pours over us.

New and Old

I love new things. The thrill of a new year. A new book. A new Bible. A new phone. A new job. New clothes. New car smell. As much as newness is wonderful, there's also a comfort in tradition. In perfectly worn-in jeans, my favorite dog-eared books. It's kind of a paradox. Beauty in old and new.

I'm straddling the fence this January. I'm conflicted.

I'm brimming with excitement to move forward and celebrate landing a part-time job. To have 'arrived' and be starting the next phase. Or at least one step closer to the goal of full time employment with a company I'm excited about.

But then, I'm still living at home. I thought it would FEEL different to be employed. A little over a week into and I'm finding that not particularly to be true. I'm just more tired in the morning. The part of the day I used to sleep most of the way through is now occupied with data entry and marketing. I'm more engaged mentally/emotionally than I was as an unemployed person--but not FULLY engaged.

This post is kind of babbling. I guess what I can say is that I'm thankful for friends. For community. For newness and old melding into one life. A confusing and sometimes conflicted life, but it's MY life.  For deeper things than the new and old to live for.  And that I AM INDEED LIVING.

I was reading through the Valley of Vision this morning and was struck by this prayer. The first two lines gripped me:

O Lord,

Help me never to expect any happiness
from the world, but only in Thee.
Let me not think that I shall be more happy
       by living to myself,
    for I can only be happy if employed for Thee,
    and if I desire to live in this world
    only to do and suffer what Thou dost allot me.

Teach me that if I do not live a life that satisfies Thee,
       I shall not live a life that will satisfy myself.

Help me to desire the spirit and temper of angels
    who willingly come down to this lower world
       to perform Thy will,
    though their desires are heavenly,
    and not set in the least upon earthly things;
       then I shall be of that temper I ought to have.

Help me not to think of living to Thee
       in my own strength,
    but always to look and rely on Thee
       for assistance.

Teach me that there is no greater truth than this,
    that I can do nothing of myself.
Lord, this is the life that no unconverted man
       can live; yet it is an end that every godly soul
       presses after;

Let it be then my concern to devote myself
       and all to Thee.
Make me more fruitful and more spiritual,
    for barrenness is my daily affliction and load.
How precious is time, and how painful to see it fly
    with little done to good purpose!

I need Thy help:
O may my soul sensibly depend upon Thee
       for all sanctification,
    and every accomplishment of Thy purposes
       for me, for the world,
       and for Thy kingdom.

Oh LORD that this would be true! That I would let go all of expectations of fulfillment here. That my soul would sensibly depend on God for ALL SANCTIFICATION and joy. Why is my soul downcast? He's done it all. Completely and fully.  

He sees me.

I've recently become addicted to the show Parenthood. I adore it. The mish-mash of humor and serious issues plaguing families is wonderful. 

One episode keeps coming to mind. The Grandpa/Grandma pair are going to marriage counseling - the Grandpa is given a line to use when he starts getting overbearing/controlling and hears himself going somewhere he shouldn't with his words. He's supposed to look at his wife (or whoever else he's trying to control) directly in the eyes and say, "I hear you, I see you." The change in his wife's countenance is immediate. She knows that he acknowledges her, he cares about her, he loves her.

That quote came to mind the other day mid journal sesh. I was pouring out my unemployed, angst-ridden heart to the Savior of the universe over a steaming americano at Cafe Milo and saw the words You see me fall onto the page. My wrestling for joy has been pretty intense as of late. The weight of unemployment and burden of neglected or sidelined responsibilities have overwhelmed me to a point of panic. I was expressing to the Lord how the tug of war for my affections, self worth, and identity is exasperating. I hate that the problem exists. I WANT to trust completely. I WANT to delight. I WANT to see myself as He sees me. But I keep getting in my own way. 

The lies are yelling louder than truth. It's turning me against myself, which in turn morphs my brain into believing that everyone else is against me as well. I HATE THIS. All of these thoughts manifesting show my lack of trust in you. Doubt in your provision. A blatant disregard for your affections. A turning away from the mirror you hold that shows my reflection as you see it. You see me as whole. You see me as chosen. You see me as successful. You see me as beautiful. You see me as worthy. More than that...you see me. YOU: the God of the universe who spoke creation into being, who calms raging storms and walks on water. YOU see ME: this mess of an insecure woman battling depression, aching to feel whole. You see me. You get me. YOU KNOW. YOU LOVE. HELP ME TO DO THE SAME!

Isn't that the deepest longing in all of us? To be seen? To be heard? To be known? As I read back on my words, the part that God grabbed my heart with wasn't WHAT He saw in me through Christ as much as it was that He saw me at all. As I recalled the scenes from Parenthood, I realized how much I needed to be reminded that the God of the universe DOES see me. There's even a name of God for it -- El Roi - the God who sees. His word tells me time and time again that He sees and hears and listens. He has not abandoned or forgotten me at all.

So friends that have asked how I'm doing...I'm doing okay. This season is HARD, but my God is good. I'm still applying for jobs (big and small, near and far). I'll probably be taking an hourly job soon to fill the gap in employment and help with my emotional well being. As I continue in this waiting period, I see God changing me. I don't always like it because, quite frankly, it's painful. Some days are better than others. I want to be working, but I trust in my God that knows all things. I trust that in all of the pages of applications I'm filling out, He has something specific in mind. Day by day, verse by verse- I'm making it.