New and Old

I love new things. The thrill of a new year. A new book. A new Bible. A new phone. A new job. New clothes. New car smell. As much as newness is wonderful, there's also a comfort in tradition. In perfectly worn-in jeans, my favorite dog-eared books. It's kind of a paradox. Beauty in old and new.

I'm straddling the fence this January. I'm conflicted.

I'm brimming with excitement to move forward and celebrate landing a part-time job. To have 'arrived' and be starting the next phase. Or at least one step closer to the goal of full time employment with a company I'm excited about.

But then, I'm still living at home. I thought it would FEEL different to be employed. A little over a week into and I'm finding that not particularly to be true. I'm just more tired in the morning. The part of the day I used to sleep most of the way through is now occupied with data entry and marketing. I'm more engaged mentally/emotionally than I was as an unemployed person--but not FULLY engaged.

This post is kind of babbling. I guess what I can say is that I'm thankful for friends. For community. For newness and old melding into one life. A confusing and sometimes conflicted life, but it's MY life.  For deeper things than the new and old to live for.  And that I AM INDEED LIVING.

I was reading through the Valley of Vision this morning and was struck by this prayer. The first two lines gripped me:

O Lord,

Help me never to expect any happiness
from the world, but only in Thee.
Let me not think that I shall be more happy
       by living to myself,
    for I can only be happy if employed for Thee,
    and if I desire to live in this world
    only to do and suffer what Thou dost allot me.

Teach me that if I do not live a life that satisfies Thee,
       I shall not live a life that will satisfy myself.

Help me to desire the spirit and temper of angels
    who willingly come down to this lower world
       to perform Thy will,
    though their desires are heavenly,
    and not set in the least upon earthly things;
       then I shall be of that temper I ought to have.

Help me not to think of living to Thee
       in my own strength,
    but always to look and rely on Thee
       for assistance.

Teach me that there is no greater truth than this,
    that I can do nothing of myself.
Lord, this is the life that no unconverted man
       can live; yet it is an end that every godly soul
       presses after;

Let it be then my concern to devote myself
       and all to Thee.
Make me more fruitful and more spiritual,
    for barrenness is my daily affliction and load.
How precious is time, and how painful to see it fly
    with little done to good purpose!

I need Thy help:
O may my soul sensibly depend upon Thee
       for all sanctification,
    and every accomplishment of Thy purposes
       for me, for the world,
       and for Thy kingdom.

Oh LORD that this would be true! That I would let go all of expectations of fulfillment here. That my soul would sensibly depend on God for ALL SANCTIFICATION and joy. Why is my soul downcast? He's done it all. Completely and fully.