Prayers and Les Mis

A while ago I started a list of things I wanted to write about on the blog. It looked like this:

1. Redemption
2. Les Mis
3. Christmas Encouragement
4. Dolce & Gabbana
5. Perspective

Then I waited and waited and work got busy... And forgot to write. And everyone else under the sun already wrote about redemption and Les Mis symbolism. I don't care. I'm still going to write :) Consider this the first in my list series. 

On Les Mis: 

My take on it? I was overwhelmed by Les Mis. By the sheer beauty of the entire film. The ability of film to take something I already loved (the music and storyline of Les Mis) to another depth. The stunning detail of vocal inflection and subtle facial expressions. The beauty of being able to mic people on film so you can hear every word, every lyric, every caught breath. Were there weak characters in the film? Yes. Did it really upset me? No. The film as a whole was such a piece of art that I didn't want to leave the theater. I didn't want the moment to end. The final choruses of "Do You Hear the People Sing" and "TOMORROW COMES" had my pulse racing. 

Favorite two scenes: 

Fantine's I Dreamed a Dream. This was the song that took my breath away more than anything else. Anne Hathaway brilliantly portrayed the pain and depth in those lyrics that I had never heard before. I've always loved stage productions -- but something I didn't realize that I missed in them was the power of each word in the lyrics. I've never been great at memorizing lyrics, so seeing the show is when I hear the whole story. If I miss words because of staging or getting distracted by the instrumentation, I miss so much. The film medium allowed me to hear the lyrics much more clearly because I could see the mouths singing too (I can read lips). 

Valjean's Bring Him Home. The vice grip I had on my sister's hand lasted the entire song. I just felt the need to TOUCH someone while that scene unfolded. Tears ran down my cheeks. 

"God on high, hear my prayer, in my need, you have always been there"

Isn't that our prayer? For relatives, for us? To have God bring us home? To beg God for peace? To recognize God's power, but also seek out his ear for needs. To honor His holiness, but beg for his mercy?  Do I pray like that? Is that the deepest cry of my heart? KNOWING that God can give and take away, but still letting him know the desires inside? I was convicted by that. 

Did you see Les Mis? Did it impact you? 

The Uncommon Marvel

I've recently become more and  more aware that there's a certain amount of faith required to be a single woman in the conservative dating scene. As I chit chat with female friends who are in various stages of the scene  -- we concur. Waiting stinks.

Don't get me wrong -- every female has an obligation to let a guy know that she'd be okay with him mayyybe asking her out. You know - that subtle hint that she's giving him the "green light". YET - there's the waiting. The meandering around and moving on with life while we wait for him to take notice or initiate or pursue. Waiting for the uncommon marvel: the "ask".

Scenario one - the green light the girl is attempting to give off is coming across as more LIME GREEN or NEON ORANGE and scary/needy to the guy - guy avoids. girl waits (and probably pines unhealthily).

Scenario two - the green light is marred by an awkward friend comment by one of the two parties involved, or even worse -- an outside party- guy avoids, girl waits or also avoids. 

Scenario three - the green light is pleasantly ignored - the guy is not interested. The girl waits and then hopefully moves on (depending on the attachment level - this realization can take a while. What can I say - some females are very adept at dreaming and not so adept at facing reality). 

Scenario four - the green light is acknowledged and the guy pursues - GUY ASKS GIRL OUT! WOOHOOOO! Girl is thrilled.

Next step: 

The Date (or hangout, or awkward encounter. FYI for the guys -- the girl wants a date. A real date. She wants you to preferably call (not facebook or tweet or text) and say - Hi _____(her name here). This is ______(guy's name here). I'm interested in getting to know you more and taking you out on a date. I thought we could go to_____(fill in activity). Would you be up for that? Can I pick you up? ) 

 Moving on with the scenario: 

 - Scenario one -  Date is super. She lets him know she had a great time. Maybe a text (mayybe). And she waits. Waits for him to lead out. Waits for him to follow up. Waits for him to signal that he also had a great time. She avoids being needy. Avoids getting too attached. WAITS. 

- Scenario two - Date is so so, date is horrible, or date is just awkward. Start pattern again, don't pass go, don't collect a diamond, don't change your facebook relationship status. Consider joining a new online dating program to fill in the waiting or at least entertain yourself during the process. 

The waiting is so hard. This reality of first and foremost - pursuing CHRIST. Resting in HIS pursuit. Finding intimacy in His word and His promises. All the while - knowing that you do want to someday be in a relationship. Sometimes pretending you don't care. Inside - you do. You want it, but you force the smile every time someone asks -- SOO are you SEEING ANYONE?! Or you politely say -- not currently! Or perhaps frighten them by saying you are browsing the inter webs for the next potential! Or even more boldly - nope, I'm up for blind dates, though!

Once the possibility arises and maybe a date has happened --  finding the balance between affirming this gent, yet letting him pursue. Trying to figure out the "code" of interest. Or do I just pay attention to movies like He's just not that into you? If he's interested -- I'll KNOW.

I hate the code. Screw the code.  Waiting is hard.

BRAVO to the guys out there that are willing to risk. Willing to face the possibility of rejection. Willing to be one of the few single men that will genuinely ask a girl out on a real date. Not friend-card awkwardly sliding towards late night hangouts alone after group sessions. No - taking the time to plan, take her out, and get to know her intentionally. It means a ton. It shows her she has value. It sets a precedent for future beaus. So - yes. I see you out there. I applaud you. Keep it up.

A snapshot.

Reading: 

Roy Hession, We Would See Jesus

This book is rocking my world. I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone looking for a solid read. More than anything, I love that it's making me think and pointing me to Jesus. The book talks about one thing commonly missing in faith stories today is an ardent passion to see God. Talks about how we see people pursuing holiness with the desire to do service FOR God, rather than pursuing holiness to SEE God. Also talks about how we pursue this great feeling or experience with God rather than God himself. "Both these ends fall utterly short of the great end that God has designed for man, that of glorifying Him forever. They fail to satisfy God's heart and they fail to satisfy ours." 

Listening: 

All About Worship Collective 

Praying: 

For a bigger heart for this city. 

For God's eyes to be given to me to see Des Moines as He does. 

For the politicians and authorities of this country. 

For the health of my nieces and nephews and their safety in making it home soon -- for my sister's baby girl to be born and my brother's kids to make it through the grueling adoption process. 

Feeling: 

Eager expectation for what God is doing with the young professional demographic at Westwind Church. 

Thankful for the stirring in my soul to CARE more for people around me. 

Needy- realizing how quickly I place my worth or daily temperament in feedback or praise from people. Seeking to turn my eyes upward to the One who can and will fulfill every desire and need if my heart. 

Vulnerable because I'm happy. There's seemingly so much more to lose when you're soaring. The blessing and curse of being a passionate person that feels deeply. 

Delighting: 

In seeing new parts of Des Moines - via bicycle, kayak, car. ALL SORTS of ways. 

In making new friends. 

In sharing the day to day joys with co-workers and family. 

In loving life. 

In having so much that I have been delighting in that I don't know where to start. 

In fall quickly approaching. 

In Trader Joe's simmer sauces. No really- they are SO GOOD. Go make a curry - I dare you. 

Seeing: 

He sees me.

I've recently become addicted to the show Parenthood. I adore it. The mish-mash of humor and serious issues plaguing families is wonderful. 

One episode keeps coming to mind. The Grandpa/Grandma pair are going to marriage counseling - the Grandpa is given a line to use when he starts getting overbearing/controlling and hears himself going somewhere he shouldn't with his words. He's supposed to look at his wife (or whoever else he's trying to control) directly in the eyes and say, "I hear you, I see you." The change in his wife's countenance is immediate. She knows that he acknowledges her, he cares about her, he loves her.

That quote came to mind the other day mid journal sesh. I was pouring out my unemployed, angst-ridden heart to the Savior of the universe over a steaming americano at Cafe Milo and saw the words You see me fall onto the page. My wrestling for joy has been pretty intense as of late. The weight of unemployment and burden of neglected or sidelined responsibilities have overwhelmed me to a point of panic. I was expressing to the Lord how the tug of war for my affections, self worth, and identity is exasperating. I hate that the problem exists. I WANT to trust completely. I WANT to delight. I WANT to see myself as He sees me. But I keep getting in my own way. 

The lies are yelling louder than truth. It's turning me against myself, which in turn morphs my brain into believing that everyone else is against me as well. I HATE THIS. All of these thoughts manifesting show my lack of trust in you. Doubt in your provision. A blatant disregard for your affections. A turning away from the mirror you hold that shows my reflection as you see it. You see me as whole. You see me as chosen. You see me as successful. You see me as beautiful. You see me as worthy. More than that...you see me. YOU: the God of the universe who spoke creation into being, who calms raging storms and walks on water. YOU see ME: this mess of an insecure woman battling depression, aching to feel whole. You see me. You get me. YOU KNOW. YOU LOVE. HELP ME TO DO THE SAME!

Isn't that the deepest longing in all of us? To be seen? To be heard? To be known? As I read back on my words, the part that God grabbed my heart with wasn't WHAT He saw in me through Christ as much as it was that He saw me at all. As I recalled the scenes from Parenthood, I realized how much I needed to be reminded that the God of the universe DOES see me. There's even a name of God for it -- El Roi - the God who sees. His word tells me time and time again that He sees and hears and listens. He has not abandoned or forgotten me at all.

So friends that have asked how I'm doing...I'm doing okay. This season is HARD, but my God is good. I'm still applying for jobs (big and small, near and far). I'll probably be taking an hourly job soon to fill the gap in employment and help with my emotional well being. As I continue in this waiting period, I see God changing me. I don't always like it because, quite frankly, it's painful. Some days are better than others. I want to be working, but I trust in my God that knows all things. I trust that in all of the pages of applications I'm filling out, He has something specific in mind. Day by day, verse by verse- I'm making it.

Daring to Hope

I started to write this post a few days ago, but just couldn't do it. I wasn't ready to commit to what I knew this would be about. My heart wasn't all in and it wasn't true.

I have now been waiting just under 3 months for news about the job I applied for back in July. I've been posting a lot about the waiting process (a lot, okay- 2 posts. It seems like a lot in my blogging deficiencies). The waiting has shown me a lot, some nice things and some not so nice things. 

I extend grace to others more freely than I extend it to myself, especially with life expectations.

My ego is huge.

I struggle with not having a plan or next steps.

Every time I try to succeed in my own strength, it ends with me face-planting on the ground.

Satan wants to use the valleys of my past to whisper failure into my present. He wants to crush my spirit and kill my hope. His biggest victory is me being unwilling to get up and try again.

As my focus changes again, I will choose to see things through the lens of the season the Lord has me in. I will live in the now, learning to take in the journey without knowing the destination. The road trip isn't always about the place you're going. The joy, the stories, the slogans on the t-shirts, the bonding-those happen on the way. My story and my journey have already started--I'm not waiting for it to begin. Dreaming of the "next steps" isn't productive, it hurts my current relationships and the possibility of forward motion. Living out what MIGHT happen is counterproductive.

So in this season..

• I see my brokenness, but am focusing on Jehovah-Rophe, the God that heals my crushed spirit. 
• I am taking joy in Jehovah-Jireh, the God that provides. He has made it possible for me to live with my parents for this season. There are no bills coming in to pay, no pressing need (other than my own pride) for me to move out and no need for shame. I am loved and my parents delight in providing.
• I am seeing Jehovah-M'Kaddesh, the God that makes me holy and sanctifies, refining me through the hurts and disappointments of unfulfilled dreams. I am surrendering those dreams to Him. He makes ALL THINGS NEW, even my dreams. 
• I recognize that I am not alone, Jehovah-Shammah, the eternal God who is there, is with me. He has not abandoned me. He has purpose for my life and is walking me through this season. 
• In my days or moments of feeling distraught and not quite knowing what path to take, I can trust in Jehovah-Rohi, the Lord my shepherd. That name holds so much! He's my guide. He leads me. He comforts me. He feeds me. He seeks after me when I run. He is tender.
• Lastly, when I turn inward and try to succeed on my own, then fail; instead of being despondent in my inability to be my own champion, I can depend on Jehovah-Nissi, or the God that is my banner and standard of victory. My attempts will NEVER be enough. His will always be more than enough. His victory covers every failure of my past, present, and future. I win because he won for me! 

Satan had a hey-day with me last week. His lies crushed me. I stopped wanting to hope. I was afraid of more disappointment. Through the grace upon grace lavished on me by my parents and friends, God challenged me to hope again. To believe that His plan is better than mine. To hope in that which is certain-that God has my best in mind.

So thanks Mom and Dad, for taking me out for a pre-celebratory dinner on Thursday night. For telling me that even though I don't have a job yet, God WILL PROVIDE in His time and that we were going to celebrate that FACT together. For knowing that I needed you to hope for me.

And thanks friends, for your hugs and prayers. For helping me laugh. God is using you in big ways.

I'm daring to hope again. Risk causes the potential for disappointment and hurt, but risk is what makes life an adventure. I want to LIVE my life, not watch safely from the spectator seats in the nosebleed section.

Overflow

God has changed the attitude and posture of my heart in a dramatic way over the last week or two. The agony of waiting has lightened. He has been prodding my heart with His word. Declaring his faithfulness. Singing His love. Filling me with awe at His majesty. Beckoning me to rest at His feet.

I started this blog the day I resigned from Hyatt when I lived in Austin, Texas. THAT was the day I wrote the tag line and title for Reckless Trust. God knew that reckless trust would have to be an anchor in my walk with Him over the coming months and year. That HE would be my rock. That HE would be the source of my stability. That there would be UPS and DOWNS. He didn't promise that life would be easy or pain free--He promised that he would carry me through it all.

Without this season of waiting, I would have missed the pure JOY of babysitting this little man.

Without this season of waiting, I would not have been able to DIG IN to relationships with the people in my new post college pre-minivan connection group at Cornerstone.
 

Without this season of waiting, I would have missed out on uninterrupted fall happies as God ushers in my favorite season of Autumn. 

Without this season of waiting, I would still likely be afraid of riding my bike on the street.

So I'm thankful. God is faithful to answer prayers. He has replaced my anger at this season of waiting with an overflow of JOY.

Another turning point

Hello faithful readers. 

I'm jumping off another cliff again. You know, drastic life change? Yeah, I know. It's not normal to keep completely changing dreams and directions. YET I DO! 

About a month ago, I was doing my usual job board trolling and saw a position posted for an Alumni Development position at Iowa State. The job got me SO EXCITED. Twenty times more excited than I've felt about teaching. I just couldn't help but wonder if this was something bigger than just a job posting. If this was a red flag for me to pay attention to. I've had this nagging feeling that I just wasn't sure about teaching--if I was ready to commit to 1.5 more years of school and debt before getting my feet on the ground. I just want to be working. To have a paycheck. To have the means to travel or buy a new dress (Do you know how dangerous Anthropologie's emails are??) if I want to. 

I finished out the semester with papers and finals, got my grades back, and started looking for jobs. I applied for a few Alumni Relations positions (Drake, Purdue, Iowa State) and then recently applied for a few jobs in West Des Moines as well. So. No more school for now. Applying for jobs- trying to be picky. I'm in a season where I have the luxury of not having bills looming over my head. I want to find a job I'll enjoy (even if it means serving coffee for a while).

One of my biggest prayers over the past few years is that the Lord would change my dreams and make them his. That was a hard prayer to pray as I saw the discrepancy between my expectations and reality. I saw that I was holding my view of God hostage because MY dreams were falling apart. It's funny how the Lord uses seasons to break us and change us. To show us that He has great plans. We don't get to see all of the details, but we play a leading role in the show. 

Who knew that I would move back to the midwest, get fired from a job, move back in with my parents, go back to school, drop out of school, get plugged in with a junior high ministry where I would meet a special someone (don't worry, he's not a junior higher), and end up happily living in Iowa (turning down interview opportunities in Indiana)? Had you mentioned any of those events a year ago and told me they would be true of me, I would have laughed in your face. I smile at how the Lord CAN change my dreams. He can humble me and put me on my knees before Him. He can delight my heart through friends, springtime, and new seasons. 

Sorry for the delay in posting--I've been busy figuring out what to do with my life again. Thank you all for coming along on the ride with me! 

Thanks Self

I was watching "The Time Traveler's Wife" on TV the other night. If you haven't seen the movie, the premise is that a man travels through time. It's the story of how his time travel impacts his family etc.  Sometimes he travels forwards or backwards, meeting himself and other people in his life at different stages of past or future. One thing that stuck out in the movie is the way the protagonist teaches himself lessons and gives himself advice to get through whatever he knows is ahead. 

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to meet myself in 10 years. What would I tell me? Or to go back to middle school. What words would I give myself if I had 3 minutes to lay it all out there? 

I've been blogging and/or journaling for a long time. I started wayyy back in the day when xanga webjournals were all the rage (well, not really-but they were for me! Want to meet high school Anna? http://cheshiregl0w.xanga.com/). Other than that, pen and paper prayer journaling has been an on again off again trend since early college. I'm not a daily "dear diary" girl, by any means. I write down prayers/lyrics. I take sermon notes. I just try to keep it all in one place so I can know where to look back if I wrote something down. I decided to pull out my journals last night and read through some of the old entries. It's like time traveling, only through letters and prayers. Suddenly my 19 year old self is speaking gently to my heart. My desperate cries of surrender and wrestling with my idol of self sound so familiar. 

As I read the words that poured from the depths of my deepest pain and height of my soaring victories, I found myself amazed. How easily I forget that this isn't the first time God has taught me these lessons. He gently reminds me through myself that my independence is a precious gift, but can be an idol as well. That learning to surrender is a battle that I need to wage daily. That I am precious.

Thanks self.

I needed your wisdom today. I needed to pray with you. I needed to hear your authentic cries for help. I needed to learn your humility. I needed to rest quietly in God's presence with you.

Birthdays and Deathdays

A year ago today, a friend of mine died from liver cancer. He was 23.

My birthday is coming up. The big 2-5--A quarter of a century!

As my heart ached today remembering Peder and what today represented, I started smiling. On earth we count birthdays. The trend is to agonize over the next year. Western cultures war against nature and *gasp* getting OLD. Each year we mark down one more year finished. One less to live. One closer to death. We're terrified of death.

Peder just had his 1 year birthday in heaven. The neat thing...he's not counting down anymore. Heaven is forever. ETERNITY. One down, eternity to go. NO BIG DEAL. How exciting is that?! Forever with Jesus. In his presence. Adoring Him. At HOME with HIM. My heart beats faster just thinking about it. 

Hip Hop Conviction

I got to spend the last 3 days of my Spring Break in Austin, Texas for South by Southwest. I had been serving at a camp in Tyler, Texas for the first part of the week then got an invite to tag along to Austin for a weekend of music and fun with a friend that was also serving at the camp. He's way more into music (at least the kind that plays at SXSW) than I am, so he made the schedule of shows he thought would be awesome and I was all in.

I'm a white girl. I like classical music, baking, high heels, ruffles, romance novels, and craft projects. I drive a chevy malibu and love opera.

Scene: Holy Hip Hop Concert.

It's at a church, there are seats, then a stage with two DJs spinning and a whole bunch of people milling around waiting for the show to start. We take our seats. I'm feeling moderately self conscious, but okay. We're not too close to the front and claimed seats. I can blend in here. I still feel like people are staring at me. The emcees come out and welcome everyone and set two rules: no sitting, and they tell people to come up front by the stage (as the smoke machines start going off and rappers get ready to come out).

Dustin says, YES! LET'S GO!!

My heart SINKS. I'm like. uhhh. I'm so uncomfortable already. I'm going to stick out. I also don't want to sit by myself. I go up there. First rapper comes out. All I can think about is how awkward I feel. How people are judging how I stand and how I bop to the music and how I look. Then I start listening to the lyrics. They are about Jesus. They are about who we are in Christ. They are about the idols we hold above Him--ourselves.

Enter: Conviction.

I'm so wrapped up in myself that I'm missing the point in a HUGE way. My audience isn't the people around me. Their opinion of me isn't important. They aren't judging me. THEY are enjoying the music. THEY are having fun. They don't care nearly as much about me as I do. My insecurities are taking away from the GLORY due to Jesus Christ. As my heart is hurting over my own sin and ugly focus on myself, the lyrics these rappers are singing start delighting my heart. "Ain't no party like the holy ghost party cause the holy ghost party don't stop". I start singing along. I'm swaying. I'm loving it. I make friends with some girls next to me. I'm dancing. I'M HAVING A BLAST!

My own pride is my worst enemy. Pride was keeping me from encountering Jesus at that show. Pride was assuming that MY APPEARANCE was more worthy of the attention of people around me than the saving grace of Jesus Christ presented through rap lyrics. 

I'm thankful for a God that humbles me and uses my filth to drop me to my knees and points me to Him. 

I LOVE LAMININ!

Sorry I've been absent lately. School and life have kind of taken over. I wanted to share a few of the verses, thoughts, youtubes, quotes that have been impacting me. This is a random assortment of influences and thoughts, so bear with me. 

We serve a big God.

An awesome God. 

A mighty God.

A God that works through flawed people like you and me.

And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. -Hebrews 11:32-34

My prayer lately has been that God would increase my view of Him. I think we (especially in Western cultures) tend to put God in a box. A box of our preconceived notions and understandings about Him. We try to constrain the Almighty God so we can "get" who He is. When really-I think one of the most awe inspiring aspects of God is that He CANNOT be contained. He's the creator of the universe. He's the GREAT I AM. I'm learning and growing and praying that my faith in the author of the world would grow. That I could be counted with the heroes of the faith who walked boldly into fire knowing that the GOD WHO IS had their best in mind.

The molecular biologist that made my night was via a talk by Louie Giglio. Enjoy.

So many quotes/stories/opinions from recent conversations with my 180 kids, connection group, friends, legislation changes,  etc. I'm just overwhelmed with what else to even share. More soon.

Are you a Freshman?

Hello friends.
It's been almost a month.

I survived round one of exams. I'm enjoying my classes (well, some of them). The being back in school thing is entertaining--most people think I'm a freshman. I think it's the long hair and being in mostly freshman/sophomore classes. The sophomores haven't seen me before so they assume I'm a freshman. I just take it as it is. The best was a standing by the bus conversation with a guy from one of my classes. He was telling me how people think he's 17 all the time etc, working on getting the sympathy vote. I kind of smiled and said, oh-yeah, sometimes that happens to me too.
Him: Oh-yeah. You're a freshman, right?
Me: No.
Him: Junior?
Me: eh, it's complicated.
Him: long pause...how old are you (emphasis on the OLD)?
Me: 24.
Him: whoaaaa.
Oh freshman boy...you're funny.

I still cheer for Purdue. Only Purdue. 

I've starting helping with 180, the Junior High ministry at Cornerstone Church. Volunteering there has been SO MUCH FUN. Highlights have been a 6th grade lock-in, learning a morale dance, and eating chocolate cupcakes (see previous post) with my 7th grade girls. I'm getting to pour into Jr Highers (and see if that really is the age I want to teach someday) and meet a ton of other people around my age that are serving as well. I'm in a connection group with other leaders and am thriving with going deeper with these new friends.

The Lord has been reminding me of his goodness, provision, and faithfulness. Loving me through new friends and my family. Smiling down on me with sunny days. Speaking through his word.

So to my friends that wanted to know, how's Iowa? It's great. It's really really great. 

Fight

I am usually a peacemaker. I don't like conflict. I don't like dissension.  I'm at an interesting point in my life--a place of transition. Going from a completely independent and "successful" life immersed in deep community to a new city (town?). New church. New relationships. Going from saving and spending money to debt and wishlists. Feeling like a failure because I'm choosing change instead of financial security and promotions. Knowing that this is right for now, yet struggling. In my current life situation, I recognize the need to FIGHT. 

FIGHT for joy. FIGHT against lies that satan whispers to my broken places. FIGHT the empty/dark/twisty feelings that rage inside of me and threaten to take control of my entire being. FIGHT my tendencies to give glory to things of this world rather than my Savior. I want to join Jesus in the battle He's raging (has raged) for my soul. Oh that my worship would be an overflow of my lifestyle and heart. That the Lord would continue to draw me to Himself. That my life would be one that SHINES and DECLARES His glory. 

My beautiful and wise sister (who recently entered the BLOGGING WORLD) encouraged me to read through Ephesians 6-- to ready myself for the battle. 

Ephesians 6:10-20

¹⁰ Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by His vast strength. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics of the Devil. ¹² For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens. ¹³ This is why you must take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand. ¹⁴ Stand, therefore, with truth like a belt around your waist,
    righteousness like armor on your chest,
    ¹⁵ and your feet sandaled with readiness for the gospel of peace.
    ¹⁶ In every situation take the shield of faith,
    and with it you will be able to extinguish
    the flaming arrows of the evil one.
    ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation,
    and the sword of the Spirit, which is God's word.
    ¹⁸ With every prayer and request, pray at all times in the Spirit, and stay alert in this, with all perseverance and intercession for all the saints. ¹⁹ Pray also for me, that the message may be given to me when I open my mouth to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel. ²⁰ For this I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I might be bold enough in Him to speak as I should.

He is all. He is enough. He is good. 
He fights for me. HE'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR!
Lord, save me from myself. 

An update of sorts

I'm alive.

Broken, but hopeful. 

• Learning more daily about this large, bustling, and windy city. 
• Loving my new church Missio Dei and the community I'm growing in through it.
• Struggling to thrive at work. 
• Adoring fall and crunchy leaves.
• Baking all things pumpkin (Try this pumpkin bread -Add a tsp of vanilla and a tad more nutmeg)
• Enjoying being a regular at the farmer's market down the street -especially the flower vendor!
• Headed back for my second football game of the season at Purdue in a few weekends with my sister and her husband. Check out the seats/tickets Joel hooked us up for the last time I went back for a game!

Not bad, eh? 

Then even more recently, loved going up to Minneapolis to see one of my dearest friends get married. I got to be a part of their big day too. Their wedding was such an encouragement - It definitely pointed to Jesus and the hope that we can have in the covenant relationship with Christ. A few snapshots that the groom's cousin took with his iPhone during the pictures session. I kind of love them:

God is who He says He is. I'm so thankful for that. 

Yet again I find myself in a season where I don't know what's around the corner. HE DOES.

I don't know why I have stirrings in the deepest parts of my soul for something different. HE DOES. 

He is sovereign. He makes no mistakes. He loves me. He pursues me. He chose me. He leads me. 

 

I read a post from a friend's blog that resonated with me (enough to awake the sleeping blogger). You should really read the whole thing, but I thought I'd share the end:

When our lives are stripped of their good circumstances, we get to see God as He really is. When we’re bare and feel empty and alone and hurt, we have nowhere else to go but to Him. And He meets us when we go to Him. We get to see that He not only exists, but that He’ll listen to our cries and, somehow, provide comfort. This is when God increasingly becomes a friend. It’s mysterious and it’s tragic and it’s good. Because HE is good.

Jump

God is such an unpredictable and awesome creator. He uses us as he sees fit. BOY do I fight against His plan sometimes! I doubt. I wonder what THE HECK God is doing and why He allows what He does. So much has happened in the last few weeks where I haven't really wanted to see God in it--but undoubtedly,  He was there. From allergic reactions, emotional breakdowns in furniture stores, and road trip conversations -- God has been working on my hard heart.

An excerpt from my journal will best describe the journey the Lord has been taking me on through the ups and downs of this transitional season:

"Lord-thank you for ALL of who you are. You are so much! Perfectly good, awesome and terrible in righteousness, awe inspiring and faithful, true to your Word, one who fulfills promises, creative artist of humanity, healer of hurting and aching souls, tender lover and calmer of storms. As Paul says, I have no good beside you. Even when I am actively pursuing you, my sin mars your fame. I seek myself. My own name. My will. My pride. My glory. I take what is yours. All glory and honor is due to YOU, O Most High King.

I see your hand in all the whirlwind around me. I taste the waters of the wells of salvation through forgiveness from friends. Their love for me is only a shadow of your open arms and adoration of all of me. I hear your voice clearly through my parents as they affirm me and love me in the midst of my  mess and stress. I tremble before you and struggle to approach the throne of grace, but you use my family to gently lead me there. I see your creativity and plan as you pave the way for this amazing job. I am in absolute and utter awe. How do I continue to depend on myself and doubt your flawless provision? Every season when I turn inward, it ends with me crumpled and broken-failing. YOU COME - pick up the pieces and lead me to you. The four word gospel- be sick, be loved. Thank you for loving the sick, for healing the broken, for drawing the lost with your voice, for humbling my pride, for going before my fears and anxieties, for conquering death and sin for good, for being my victory. This battle would be futile and lost without you. You are my fullness. You are my boast."

I leave for Chicago tomorrow morning with my mom. I'll be living in a hotel for the next two weeks until my apartment is ready. The planner in me is DYING as I really want to be settled before day 1 on the job. Ha-I'm learning to take deep breaths and enjoy the journey. My first day is Monday. I'm VERY excited and VERY nervous. All of my insecurities seem to be screaming at me the second I try to go to sleep at night. I'm just ready for my first day to be done. So I can have the awkwardness out of my system, an ID card to get into the building without having to go through the security desk, a concrete plan or idea as to what the heck it is I'm going to be doing, some familiar faces, and a desk to call my own. I already have my "first day" outfit picked out...how can you go wrong with a red dress??

Away we go...it's time to JUMP towards the windy city! aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Cry out in the Desert

Friends. Pray with me? 

The past week or so has been an absolute roller coaster of events and emotions. Highest of highs and lowest of lows. I'm feeling incredibly broken and am clinging to the truth of scripture.

I'm singing and praying the Desert Song by Hillsong on repeat:

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the flames

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on his promise I'll stand

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I received I will sow

We serve a victorious God. He is better than life. He conquers our fears and our emotions. He is good. 

Blog Friends-- Can you be praying for me? That I can KNOW the truth that God is in complete control. That He has my best in mind. That His will for my life in this season will be made clear. That I can listen for his voice. I'm trying to figure out what to do on the job front -- I have a few offers and am having conflicting emotions about where to go/what to do.

He leads...ALL the way

God has a funny way of boldly speaking to me through words and music.

Tonight at I heard a rocking sermon by Halim Suh on Faith being birthed by God's call. He was teaching from Genesis comparing the life of Abraham and Sarah to humanity as a whole. Using the example of the barrenness of Sarah and original lack of faith by Abraham--and God's CALL to Abraham to believe. How when God speaks, there is action (Genesis 1: God calls light out of darkness, and there is light). Then with Sarah's barren womb, there is darkness and no hope YET God creates life and fullness through giving them a child. Halim then probed deeper to what God called Abraham to: leave all human security. Leave your country, leave your people, leave your Father's house-God is calling Abraham to TRULY see GOD as his security. Find his self worth in God and God alone. To find true citizenship in heaven, find true adoption as a son of the Most High, faith that HE is the one true security. 

Wow. Again, he continued about the call to Faith that embraces God's promises from afar. How Abraham was called to the land that god WILL SHOW HIM. Notice: the destination that God is leading him to is not a specific geography. God is calling him simply to TRUST. Sounds familiar. Gosh. Being called to trust and obey without seeing the whole picture--because if we demand the whole picture, we deny the requirement of faith to believe in what is not seen.

After the sermon, we got up to worship again. We sang the Chris Tomlin version of All the Way My Savior Leads Me. Man. It messed me up. I'm going into this phase of life--not knowing what's next, not having a job, a big old question mark in front of my very being. I'm going somewhat boldly into change, yet I still doubt. The lyrics "how could I doubt his tender mercy"--seriously?! How do I doubt this great God? How am I ignoring the faithfulness of this God throughout the Bible? Why do I think that He will not be faithful to lead me? Check out the lyrics and song:

Another quote from the sermon that resonated (Halim got it from a John Piper Sermon): 

" Every joy will have its limits. Every fruit its bruise. Every relationship its disappointment. Every service its critic. And every birth and wedding its nearby funeral. Hebrews 13:14 takes up the very thought of Abraham's faith: 'Here we have no lasting city.' Everything breaks. Everything ages, spoils, rusts. Only God remains unchanged and glorious. "

Yes. GOD REMAINS UNCHANGED AND GLORIOUS! He is trustworthy. He is deserving of all of my worship, all of my trust, all of my heart, all of my being. I pray that I can CLING to the Lord and the fullness of his promises in this season, and every season of my life. May this song resonate within my very soul. That I will live like a redeemed child of God whose citizenship is in Heaven and not earth, whose Father is eternal and unchanging, whose joy is based on the finished work of Christ and not myself. That it will be said of my life that Jesus led me ALL THE WAY.

Death is loss, but oh, what gain!

The past few months have kind of felt like a bad tv drama. You know, the ones with SO much going on that you say THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ONE PERSON! Jack Bauer, you can't possibly have been attacked and survived near fatal wounds in 173 zip codes in one hour of your 24 hour insane life. Only this manic depressive tv series is a reality show... it's real, and it's my life. Personal victories, car problems, death of loved ones, work drama, jet setting for weekends away, crazy new friends and unimaginable adventures. The best part about it is that every single aspect has changed me. From being faceplanted on the ground by my own failures to shaking with the thrill of new cities. I'm getting to see how everything is part of a master plan.

For example: on my way back from England a few months ago, I got stuck in Detroit over night because I got bumped from a flight. My compensation was a travel voucher for $400 and a lovely night stay at a dingy airport hotel. I was really frustrated, had to take an unpaid day from work etc. Went back to work the day after I got put on a flight telling the woes of my traveling hardships. That very week I got a call that my Grandma's health had taken a turn for the worse, I needed to get on a plane as soon as possible back to Iowa if I wanted to see her. Got on the phone that night to try to book an emergency health flight (some airlines do discounts etc)--it just happened that the flight would have been over $900, then with 50% off for medical emergency it was around $450, then once I applied the $400 voucher--I only paid about $100. THIS WAS SUCH A HUGE BLESSING--I had been questioning WHY in the world was it ME that had to get bumped from that flight, why an unpaid work day. Only to find out that the $400 voucher was well worth that night in a hotel room. I don't make $400 a day at work! So-bumped from flight = blessing in that scenario. I got to see the fingerprints of God displayed beautifully through seemingly tragic circumstances.

As I mentioned, I got to go home over Easter to spend time with my Grandma. We had an amazing time to just enjoy being together as a family. Simple things like singing hymns with everyone in her hospice room for an Easter service and hearing my Grandpa's testimony about her role in his walk with the Lord.

Today I got the news that my grandma went home to be with Jesus. Death is hard. Really hard. At least for those of us that are 'left behind'. A sermon I read by Charles Spurgeon called "Death is loss, but oh, what gain!" put it brilliantly:

"What! weep! weep for heads that are crowned with coronals of heaven? What, weep for hands that grasp the harps of gold? What, weep for eyes that see the Redeemer? What, weep for hearts that are washed from sin, and are throbbing with eternal bliss? What, weep for men that are in the Saviour's bosom?
No; weep for yourselves, that you are here. Weep that the mandate has not come which bids you to die. Weep that you must tarry. But weep not for them. I see them turning back on you with loving wonder, and they exclaim, "Why weepest thou?" What, weep for poverty that it is clothed in riches? What, weep for sickness, that it hath inherited, eternal health? What, weep for shame, that it is glorified; and weep for sinful mortality, that it hath become immaculate? Oh, weep not, but rejoice. "If ye knew what it was that I have said unto you, and whither I have gone, ye would rejoice with a joy that no man should take from you." - "TO DIE IS GAIN."
Ah, this makes the Christian long to die - makes him say, "Oh, that the word were given! O Lord of Hosts, the wave divide, and land us all in heaven!"

What an amazing reminder of what we have to look forward to! ETERNAL BLISS WITH GOD! So yes, I agree with CH Spurgeon. I weep. Not that she has gone ahead, but that I remain here. This is not my home! Someday I will join her again, in unending joy and communion with Christ. I know that she is no longer hurting. I know that she is able to SING with every fiber of her being again, that she is in the presence of GOD, and that she is FREE.

I fly home in the morning for the celebration of her life and amazing legacy. I'm really looking forward to remembering her zingy personality and wit, her die-hard competitive spirit, her beautiful voice, and her deep love for all of us. Lorna June Stevenson, you will be missed. DANCE on the streets of gold until I can come up and join you!!

A new season

He is calling me to trust.
Completely. Fully. Painfully. Freely. RECKLESSLY.

And it's terrifying. I walk the tightrope between giddy excitement for what's to come and racking sobs fearing the reality of everything I'm leaving behind.

Leaving Biblical community and authentic relationships complete with HARD accountability.
Leaving job security with a great company.
Leaving co workers that love me and have become my family for the 50+ hrs we're together a week
Leaving the south where sunny weather and beauty surrounds me daily

He has promised great things. He is undoubtedly calling me. He is faithful to answer prayers. My prayer is that the cries of my heart and soul join with the will of God. Praying in hope for what is to come. I'm praying to be led to the right church, a steady job where my passions and gifts can be utilized, a neighborhood where I can flourish and have meaningful relationships. I rest in knowing that I would not be called away from community, deep love, relationships, and Austin unless there were GREAT things to come. That I am not LEAVING these relationships, rather the dynamics of them are changing. The peace in my soul would not be there unless he had already prepared a place for me, a community for me to join, a new church to serve in.

So yes, I'm walking away from this season in Austin, Texas, but I'm stepping into an adventure. One that will take me closer to my family. One where I get to see the Lord display HIS glory by making me lay down my idols of security and fame - to let his GREATNESS be my story. I'm going to pack everything I can into my Chevy Malibu and drive away--all the way up I-35 to the snowy tundra. Final destination? Good question. Most likely Minneapolis, MN, Des Moines, IA or Ames, IA.

I'm excited for the amazing story that the Author of the universe is writing for me...like you, I have NO IDEA what's next!