God is such an unpredictable and awesome creator. He uses us as he sees fit. BOY do I fight against His plan sometimes! I doubt. I wonder what THE HECK God is doing and why He allows what He does. So much has happened in the last few weeks where I haven't really wanted to see God in it--but undoubtedly, He was there. From allergic reactions, emotional breakdowns in furniture stores, and road trip conversations -- God has been working on my hard heart.
An excerpt from my journal will best describe the journey the Lord has been taking me on through the ups and downs of this transitional season:
"Lord-thank you for ALL of who you are. You are so much! Perfectly good, awesome and terrible in righteousness, awe inspiring and faithful, true to your Word, one who fulfills promises, creative artist of humanity, healer of hurting and aching souls, tender lover and calmer of storms. As Paul says, I have no good beside you. Even when I am actively pursuing you, my sin mars your fame. I seek myself. My own name. My will. My pride. My glory. I take what is yours. All glory and honor is due to YOU, O Most High King.
I see your hand in all the whirlwind around me. I taste the waters of the wells of salvation through forgiveness from friends. Their love for me is only a shadow of your open arms and adoration of all of me. I hear your voice clearly through my parents as they affirm me and love me in the midst of my mess and stress. I tremble before you and struggle to approach the throne of grace, but you use my family to gently lead me there. I see your creativity and plan as you pave the way for this amazing job. I am in absolute and utter awe. How do I continue to depend on myself and doubt your flawless provision? Every season when I turn inward, it ends with me crumpled and broken-failing. YOU COME - pick up the pieces and lead me to you. The four word gospel- be sick, be loved. Thank you for loving the sick, for healing the broken, for drawing the lost with your voice, for humbling my pride, for going before my fears and anxieties, for conquering death and sin for good, for being my victory. This battle would be futile and lost without you. You are my fullness. You are my boast."
I leave for Chicago tomorrow morning with my mom. I'll be living in a hotel for the next two weeks until my apartment is ready. The planner in me is DYING as I really want to be settled before day 1 on the job. Ha-I'm learning to take deep breaths and enjoy the journey. My first day is Monday. I'm VERY excited and VERY nervous. All of my insecurities seem to be screaming at me the second I try to go to sleep at night. I'm just ready for my first day to be done. So I can have the awkwardness out of my system, an ID card to get into the building without having to go through the security desk, a concrete plan or idea as to what the heck it is I'm going to be doing, some familiar faces, and a desk to call my own. I already have my "first day" outfit picked out...how can you go wrong with a red dress??
Away we go...it's time to JUMP towards the windy city! aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh