Another turning point

Hello faithful readers. 

I'm jumping off another cliff again. You know, drastic life change? Yeah, I know. It's not normal to keep completely changing dreams and directions. YET I DO! 

About a month ago, I was doing my usual job board trolling and saw a position posted for an Alumni Development position at Iowa State. The job got me SO EXCITED. Twenty times more excited than I've felt about teaching. I just couldn't help but wonder if this was something bigger than just a job posting. If this was a red flag for me to pay attention to. I've had this nagging feeling that I just wasn't sure about teaching--if I was ready to commit to 1.5 more years of school and debt before getting my feet on the ground. I just want to be working. To have a paycheck. To have the means to travel or buy a new dress (Do you know how dangerous Anthropologie's emails are??) if I want to. 

I finished out the semester with papers and finals, got my grades back, and started looking for jobs. I applied for a few Alumni Relations positions (Drake, Purdue, Iowa State) and then recently applied for a few jobs in West Des Moines as well. So. No more school for now. Applying for jobs- trying to be picky. I'm in a season where I have the luxury of not having bills looming over my head. I want to find a job I'll enjoy (even if it means serving coffee for a while).

One of my biggest prayers over the past few years is that the Lord would change my dreams and make them his. That was a hard prayer to pray as I saw the discrepancy between my expectations and reality. I saw that I was holding my view of God hostage because MY dreams were falling apart. It's funny how the Lord uses seasons to break us and change us. To show us that He has great plans. We don't get to see all of the details, but we play a leading role in the show. 

Who knew that I would move back to the midwest, get fired from a job, move back in with my parents, go back to school, drop out of school, get plugged in with a junior high ministry where I would meet a special someone (don't worry, he's not a junior higher), and end up happily living in Iowa (turning down interview opportunities in Indiana)? Had you mentioned any of those events a year ago and told me they would be true of me, I would have laughed in your face. I smile at how the Lord CAN change my dreams. He can humble me and put me on my knees before Him. He can delight my heart through friends, springtime, and new seasons. 

Sorry for the delay in posting--I've been busy figuring out what to do with my life again. Thank you all for coming along on the ride with me! 

Jump

God is such an unpredictable and awesome creator. He uses us as he sees fit. BOY do I fight against His plan sometimes! I doubt. I wonder what THE HECK God is doing and why He allows what He does. So much has happened in the last few weeks where I haven't really wanted to see God in it--but undoubtedly,  He was there. From allergic reactions, emotional breakdowns in furniture stores, and road trip conversations -- God has been working on my hard heart.

An excerpt from my journal will best describe the journey the Lord has been taking me on through the ups and downs of this transitional season:

"Lord-thank you for ALL of who you are. You are so much! Perfectly good, awesome and terrible in righteousness, awe inspiring and faithful, true to your Word, one who fulfills promises, creative artist of humanity, healer of hurting and aching souls, tender lover and calmer of storms. As Paul says, I have no good beside you. Even when I am actively pursuing you, my sin mars your fame. I seek myself. My own name. My will. My pride. My glory. I take what is yours. All glory and honor is due to YOU, O Most High King.

I see your hand in all the whirlwind around me. I taste the waters of the wells of salvation through forgiveness from friends. Their love for me is only a shadow of your open arms and adoration of all of me. I hear your voice clearly through my parents as they affirm me and love me in the midst of my  mess and stress. I tremble before you and struggle to approach the throne of grace, but you use my family to gently lead me there. I see your creativity and plan as you pave the way for this amazing job. I am in absolute and utter awe. How do I continue to depend on myself and doubt your flawless provision? Every season when I turn inward, it ends with me crumpled and broken-failing. YOU COME - pick up the pieces and lead me to you. The four word gospel- be sick, be loved. Thank you for loving the sick, for healing the broken, for drawing the lost with your voice, for humbling my pride, for going before my fears and anxieties, for conquering death and sin for good, for being my victory. This battle would be futile and lost without you. You are my fullness. You are my boast."

I leave for Chicago tomorrow morning with my mom. I'll be living in a hotel for the next two weeks until my apartment is ready. The planner in me is DYING as I really want to be settled before day 1 on the job. Ha-I'm learning to take deep breaths and enjoy the journey. My first day is Monday. I'm VERY excited and VERY nervous. All of my insecurities seem to be screaming at me the second I try to go to sleep at night. I'm just ready for my first day to be done. So I can have the awkwardness out of my system, an ID card to get into the building without having to go through the security desk, a concrete plan or idea as to what the heck it is I'm going to be doing, some familiar faces, and a desk to call my own. I already have my "first day" outfit picked out...how can you go wrong with a red dress??

Away we go...it's time to JUMP towards the windy city! aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Preparing to leave Austin is proving to be even more challenging that I was expecting. I have so many deep and amazing relationships here. I ADORE this city. I thrive in community with people that share big dreams with me.

My first instinct is to pull away from everyone here. To tuck away in my apartment, finish my few weeks at work and just leave. Goodbyes are hard. Having to actually face the reality of leaving stinks. Pulling away makes the pain seem less searing. Retreating from community numbs the hurt. These people have been such a huge part of my life. I can't do that to them. I love them. I love the roles they have played in my time here. I want to SAVOR the last weeks here. I want to laugh with them and cry with them and pray with them. I still want to dream with them.

So onward I go. Into the coming weeks of tears and laughter. Lots of see you laters and bittersweet goodbyes. My sweet friends, know that this time isn't easy for me either.

A new season

He is calling me to trust.
Completely. Fully. Painfully. Freely. RECKLESSLY.

And it's terrifying. I walk the tightrope between giddy excitement for what's to come and racking sobs fearing the reality of everything I'm leaving behind.

Leaving Biblical community and authentic relationships complete with HARD accountability.
Leaving job security with a great company.
Leaving co workers that love me and have become my family for the 50+ hrs we're together a week
Leaving the south where sunny weather and beauty surrounds me daily

He has promised great things. He is undoubtedly calling me. He is faithful to answer prayers. My prayer is that the cries of my heart and soul join with the will of God. Praying in hope for what is to come. I'm praying to be led to the right church, a steady job where my passions and gifts can be utilized, a neighborhood where I can flourish and have meaningful relationships. I rest in knowing that I would not be called away from community, deep love, relationships, and Austin unless there were GREAT things to come. That I am not LEAVING these relationships, rather the dynamics of them are changing. The peace in my soul would not be there unless he had already prepared a place for me, a community for me to join, a new church to serve in.

So yes, I'm walking away from this season in Austin, Texas, but I'm stepping into an adventure. One that will take me closer to my family. One where I get to see the Lord display HIS glory by making me lay down my idols of security and fame - to let his GREATNESS be my story. I'm going to pack everything I can into my Chevy Malibu and drive away--all the way up I-35 to the snowy tundra. Final destination? Good question. Most likely Minneapolis, MN, Des Moines, IA or Ames, IA.

I'm excited for the amazing story that the Author of the universe is writing for me...like you, I have NO IDEA what's next!