He sees me.

I've recently become addicted to the show Parenthood. I adore it. The mish-mash of humor and serious issues plaguing families is wonderful. 

One episode keeps coming to mind. The Grandpa/Grandma pair are going to marriage counseling - the Grandpa is given a line to use when he starts getting overbearing/controlling and hears himself going somewhere he shouldn't with his words. He's supposed to look at his wife (or whoever else he's trying to control) directly in the eyes and say, "I hear you, I see you." The change in his wife's countenance is immediate. She knows that he acknowledges her, he cares about her, he loves her.

That quote came to mind the other day mid journal sesh. I was pouring out my unemployed, angst-ridden heart to the Savior of the universe over a steaming americano at Cafe Milo and saw the words You see me fall onto the page. My wrestling for joy has been pretty intense as of late. The weight of unemployment and burden of neglected or sidelined responsibilities have overwhelmed me to a point of panic. I was expressing to the Lord how the tug of war for my affections, self worth, and identity is exasperating. I hate that the problem exists. I WANT to trust completely. I WANT to delight. I WANT to see myself as He sees me. But I keep getting in my own way. 

The lies are yelling louder than truth. It's turning me against myself, which in turn morphs my brain into believing that everyone else is against me as well. I HATE THIS. All of these thoughts manifesting show my lack of trust in you. Doubt in your provision. A blatant disregard for your affections. A turning away from the mirror you hold that shows my reflection as you see it. You see me as whole. You see me as chosen. You see me as successful. You see me as beautiful. You see me as worthy. More than that...you see me. YOU: the God of the universe who spoke creation into being, who calms raging storms and walks on water. YOU see ME: this mess of an insecure woman battling depression, aching to feel whole. You see me. You get me. YOU KNOW. YOU LOVE. HELP ME TO DO THE SAME!

Isn't that the deepest longing in all of us? To be seen? To be heard? To be known? As I read back on my words, the part that God grabbed my heart with wasn't WHAT He saw in me through Christ as much as it was that He saw me at all. As I recalled the scenes from Parenthood, I realized how much I needed to be reminded that the God of the universe DOES see me. There's even a name of God for it -- El Roi - the God who sees. His word tells me time and time again that He sees and hears and listens. He has not abandoned or forgotten me at all.

So friends that have asked how I'm doing...I'm doing okay. This season is HARD, but my God is good. I'm still applying for jobs (big and small, near and far). I'll probably be taking an hourly job soon to fill the gap in employment and help with my emotional well being. As I continue in this waiting period, I see God changing me. I don't always like it because, quite frankly, it's painful. Some days are better than others. I want to be working, but I trust in my God that knows all things. I trust that in all of the pages of applications I'm filling out, He has something specific in mind. Day by day, verse by verse- I'm making it.

Overflow

God has changed the attitude and posture of my heart in a dramatic way over the last week or two. The agony of waiting has lightened. He has been prodding my heart with His word. Declaring his faithfulness. Singing His love. Filling me with awe at His majesty. Beckoning me to rest at His feet.

I started this blog the day I resigned from Hyatt when I lived in Austin, Texas. THAT was the day I wrote the tag line and title for Reckless Trust. God knew that reckless trust would have to be an anchor in my walk with Him over the coming months and year. That HE would be my rock. That HE would be the source of my stability. That there would be UPS and DOWNS. He didn't promise that life would be easy or pain free--He promised that he would carry me through it all.

Without this season of waiting, I would have missed the pure JOY of babysitting this little man.

Without this season of waiting, I would not have been able to DIG IN to relationships with the people in my new post college pre-minivan connection group at Cornerstone.
 

Without this season of waiting, I would have missed out on uninterrupted fall happies as God ushers in my favorite season of Autumn. 

Without this season of waiting, I would still likely be afraid of riding my bike on the street.

So I'm thankful. God is faithful to answer prayers. He has replaced my anger at this season of waiting with an overflow of JOY.

He leads...ALL the way

God has a funny way of boldly speaking to me through words and music.

Tonight at I heard a rocking sermon by Halim Suh on Faith being birthed by God's call. He was teaching from Genesis comparing the life of Abraham and Sarah to humanity as a whole. Using the example of the barrenness of Sarah and original lack of faith by Abraham--and God's CALL to Abraham to believe. How when God speaks, there is action (Genesis 1: God calls light out of darkness, and there is light). Then with Sarah's barren womb, there is darkness and no hope YET God creates life and fullness through giving them a child. Halim then probed deeper to what God called Abraham to: leave all human security. Leave your country, leave your people, leave your Father's house-God is calling Abraham to TRULY see GOD as his security. Find his self worth in God and God alone. To find true citizenship in heaven, find true adoption as a son of the Most High, faith that HE is the one true security. 

Wow. Again, he continued about the call to Faith that embraces God's promises from afar. How Abraham was called to the land that god WILL SHOW HIM. Notice: the destination that God is leading him to is not a specific geography. God is calling him simply to TRUST. Sounds familiar. Gosh. Being called to trust and obey without seeing the whole picture--because if we demand the whole picture, we deny the requirement of faith to believe in what is not seen.

After the sermon, we got up to worship again. We sang the Chris Tomlin version of All the Way My Savior Leads Me. Man. It messed me up. I'm going into this phase of life--not knowing what's next, not having a job, a big old question mark in front of my very being. I'm going somewhat boldly into change, yet I still doubt. The lyrics "how could I doubt his tender mercy"--seriously?! How do I doubt this great God? How am I ignoring the faithfulness of this God throughout the Bible? Why do I think that He will not be faithful to lead me? Check out the lyrics and song:

Another quote from the sermon that resonated (Halim got it from a John Piper Sermon): 

" Every joy will have its limits. Every fruit its bruise. Every relationship its disappointment. Every service its critic. And every birth and wedding its nearby funeral. Hebrews 13:14 takes up the very thought of Abraham's faith: 'Here we have no lasting city.' Everything breaks. Everything ages, spoils, rusts. Only God remains unchanged and glorious. "

Yes. GOD REMAINS UNCHANGED AND GLORIOUS! He is trustworthy. He is deserving of all of my worship, all of my trust, all of my heart, all of my being. I pray that I can CLING to the Lord and the fullness of his promises in this season, and every season of my life. May this song resonate within my very soul. That I will live like a redeemed child of God whose citizenship is in Heaven and not earth, whose Father is eternal and unchanging, whose joy is based on the finished work of Christ and not myself. That it will be said of my life that Jesus led me ALL THE WAY.

A new season

He is calling me to trust.
Completely. Fully. Painfully. Freely. RECKLESSLY.

And it's terrifying. I walk the tightrope between giddy excitement for what's to come and racking sobs fearing the reality of everything I'm leaving behind.

Leaving Biblical community and authentic relationships complete with HARD accountability.
Leaving job security with a great company.
Leaving co workers that love me and have become my family for the 50+ hrs we're together a week
Leaving the south where sunny weather and beauty surrounds me daily

He has promised great things. He is undoubtedly calling me. He is faithful to answer prayers. My prayer is that the cries of my heart and soul join with the will of God. Praying in hope for what is to come. I'm praying to be led to the right church, a steady job where my passions and gifts can be utilized, a neighborhood where I can flourish and have meaningful relationships. I rest in knowing that I would not be called away from community, deep love, relationships, and Austin unless there were GREAT things to come. That I am not LEAVING these relationships, rather the dynamics of them are changing. The peace in my soul would not be there unless he had already prepared a place for me, a community for me to join, a new church to serve in.

So yes, I'm walking away from this season in Austin, Texas, but I'm stepping into an adventure. One that will take me closer to my family. One where I get to see the Lord display HIS glory by making me lay down my idols of security and fame - to let his GREATNESS be my story. I'm going to pack everything I can into my Chevy Malibu and drive away--all the way up I-35 to the snowy tundra. Final destination? Good question. Most likely Minneapolis, MN, Des Moines, IA or Ames, IA.

I'm excited for the amazing story that the Author of the universe is writing for me...like you, I have NO IDEA what's next!