New and Old

I love new things. The thrill of a new year. A new book. A new Bible. A new phone. A new job. New clothes. New car smell. As much as newness is wonderful, there's also a comfort in tradition. In perfectly worn-in jeans, my favorite dog-eared books. It's kind of a paradox. Beauty in old and new.

I'm straddling the fence this January. I'm conflicted.

I'm brimming with excitement to move forward and celebrate landing a part-time job. To have 'arrived' and be starting the next phase. Or at least one step closer to the goal of full time employment with a company I'm excited about.

But then, I'm still living at home. I thought it would FEEL different to be employed. A little over a week into and I'm finding that not particularly to be true. I'm just more tired in the morning. The part of the day I used to sleep most of the way through is now occupied with data entry and marketing. I'm more engaged mentally/emotionally than I was as an unemployed person--but not FULLY engaged.

This post is kind of babbling. I guess what I can say is that I'm thankful for friends. For community. For newness and old melding into one life. A confusing and sometimes conflicted life, but it's MY life.  For deeper things than the new and old to live for.  And that I AM INDEED LIVING.

I was reading through the Valley of Vision this morning and was struck by this prayer. The first two lines gripped me:

O Lord,

Help me never to expect any happiness
from the world, but only in Thee.
Let me not think that I shall be more happy
       by living to myself,
    for I can only be happy if employed for Thee,
    and if I desire to live in this world
    only to do and suffer what Thou dost allot me.

Teach me that if I do not live a life that satisfies Thee,
       I shall not live a life that will satisfy myself.

Help me to desire the spirit and temper of angels
    who willingly come down to this lower world
       to perform Thy will,
    though their desires are heavenly,
    and not set in the least upon earthly things;
       then I shall be of that temper I ought to have.

Help me not to think of living to Thee
       in my own strength,
    but always to look and rely on Thee
       for assistance.

Teach me that there is no greater truth than this,
    that I can do nothing of myself.
Lord, this is the life that no unconverted man
       can live; yet it is an end that every godly soul
       presses after;

Let it be then my concern to devote myself
       and all to Thee.
Make me more fruitful and more spiritual,
    for barrenness is my daily affliction and load.
How precious is time, and how painful to see it fly
    with little done to good purpose!

I need Thy help:
O may my soul sensibly depend upon Thee
       for all sanctification,
    and every accomplishment of Thy purposes
       for me, for the world,
       and for Thy kingdom.

Oh LORD that this would be true! That I would let go all of expectations of fulfillment here. That my soul would sensibly depend on God for ALL SANCTIFICATION and joy. Why is my soul downcast? He's done it all. Completely and fully.  

Another turning point

Hello faithful readers. 

I'm jumping off another cliff again. You know, drastic life change? Yeah, I know. It's not normal to keep completely changing dreams and directions. YET I DO! 

About a month ago, I was doing my usual job board trolling and saw a position posted for an Alumni Development position at Iowa State. The job got me SO EXCITED. Twenty times more excited than I've felt about teaching. I just couldn't help but wonder if this was something bigger than just a job posting. If this was a red flag for me to pay attention to. I've had this nagging feeling that I just wasn't sure about teaching--if I was ready to commit to 1.5 more years of school and debt before getting my feet on the ground. I just want to be working. To have a paycheck. To have the means to travel or buy a new dress (Do you know how dangerous Anthropologie's emails are??) if I want to. 

I finished out the semester with papers and finals, got my grades back, and started looking for jobs. I applied for a few Alumni Relations positions (Drake, Purdue, Iowa State) and then recently applied for a few jobs in West Des Moines as well. So. No more school for now. Applying for jobs- trying to be picky. I'm in a season where I have the luxury of not having bills looming over my head. I want to find a job I'll enjoy (even if it means serving coffee for a while).

One of my biggest prayers over the past few years is that the Lord would change my dreams and make them his. That was a hard prayer to pray as I saw the discrepancy between my expectations and reality. I saw that I was holding my view of God hostage because MY dreams were falling apart. It's funny how the Lord uses seasons to break us and change us. To show us that He has great plans. We don't get to see all of the details, but we play a leading role in the show. 

Who knew that I would move back to the midwest, get fired from a job, move back in with my parents, go back to school, drop out of school, get plugged in with a junior high ministry where I would meet a special someone (don't worry, he's not a junior higher), and end up happily living in Iowa (turning down interview opportunities in Indiana)? Had you mentioned any of those events a year ago and told me they would be true of me, I would have laughed in your face. I smile at how the Lord CAN change my dreams. He can humble me and put me on my knees before Him. He can delight my heart through friends, springtime, and new seasons. 

Sorry for the delay in posting--I've been busy figuring out what to do with my life again. Thank you all for coming along on the ride with me! 

FREE

I have not loved my job.

I no longer have said job.

I never thought I'd be 'let go' and leave SMILING!

Headed home to Iowa for a few weeks to decompress and ponder what's next for life. Leaning towards going back to school for middle school english education, high school guidance counseling or library science.

Pretty sure I'm done with Corporate America for a while. Ready to have my soul come alive again. I feel like skydiving/cliff jumping is my new hobby. Well, I guess this time around it's more being shoved out of the plane and figuring out the chute on the way down. Pray for clarity on which chute to pull?