Life Anew

New Kari Jobe album on repeat, Americano in my hand, bible open at Cafe Milo.

Especially loving this song lately:

I'm hyped up on my quiet time (and previously mentioned americano) and wanted to share what the Lord pressed upon my heart.

I started reading in Zephaniah tonight. Chapter 3 talks about the day of the Lord. How we can graze and lie down and not be afraid--because we are under the care of the Good Shepherd. The chapter goes on to sing praise. To give us reason to praise: Exult and rejoice with my whole heart because the Lord has taken away the judgments against me. The Lord is HERE (in my midst). Let not my hands grow weak. This is the third scripture that has referenced weak hands or weak knees over the past week that I have come across (others are Hebrews 12:12 and Isaiah 35:3). This continued season of waiting requires me to persevere. To trust in the strength of the Lord. He gives strength or purpose when I have none. His action, presence, plan and words give me reason to REJOICE. Reason to HOPE. Reason to TRUST. Reason for LIFE ITSELF. How can I not be overwhelmed? 

I started reading through cross references, which took me to Ezekiel 36.

I kept reading into the next chapter: (Ezekiel 37:1-14 ESV)

    The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. And he said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” And I answered, “O Lord GOD, you know.” Then he said to me, “Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD.”
    So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them. Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, Thus says the Lord GOD: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.
    Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say, ‘Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.’ Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the LORD.”

What is my  response when I see death? Or brokenness? Or despair? If God asked, Anna- Can these dry bones live? Or to paraphrase--Anna, what is possible here? Do I have the faith to respond in a positive manner?

They say: Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off

God says: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the Lord when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it. 

Death cannot hold back the King of the Universe. Depression cannot stop Him. Pain and brokenness don't scare Him away. He sees it. He breathes life into dry and dead bones. For HIS NAME'S SAKE. For HIS glory.

Tonight he breathed life anew into my Spirit. He beckoned me to believe that nothing is impossible with him. To see my life and the lives of others through HIS eyes. To believe in faith that He can breathe life into death. I pray this over my heart and over the hearts of the women in my life I know are struggling with depression. That we would believe God is who He says He is. That we would cling to Him. That we would depend on his strength to lift up our weary hands. To praise Him through His power that He gladly pours over us.

New and Old

I love new things. The thrill of a new year. A new book. A new Bible. A new phone. A new job. New clothes. New car smell. As much as newness is wonderful, there's also a comfort in tradition. In perfectly worn-in jeans, my favorite dog-eared books. It's kind of a paradox. Beauty in old and new.

I'm straddling the fence this January. I'm conflicted.

I'm brimming with excitement to move forward and celebrate landing a part-time job. To have 'arrived' and be starting the next phase. Or at least one step closer to the goal of full time employment with a company I'm excited about.

But then, I'm still living at home. I thought it would FEEL different to be employed. A little over a week into and I'm finding that not particularly to be true. I'm just more tired in the morning. The part of the day I used to sleep most of the way through is now occupied with data entry and marketing. I'm more engaged mentally/emotionally than I was as an unemployed person--but not FULLY engaged.

This post is kind of babbling. I guess what I can say is that I'm thankful for friends. For community. For newness and old melding into one life. A confusing and sometimes conflicted life, but it's MY life.  For deeper things than the new and old to live for.  And that I AM INDEED LIVING.

I was reading through the Valley of Vision this morning and was struck by this prayer. The first two lines gripped me:

O Lord,

Help me never to expect any happiness
from the world, but only in Thee.
Let me not think that I shall be more happy
       by living to myself,
    for I can only be happy if employed for Thee,
    and if I desire to live in this world
    only to do and suffer what Thou dost allot me.

Teach me that if I do not live a life that satisfies Thee,
       I shall not live a life that will satisfy myself.

Help me to desire the spirit and temper of angels
    who willingly come down to this lower world
       to perform Thy will,
    though their desires are heavenly,
    and not set in the least upon earthly things;
       then I shall be of that temper I ought to have.

Help me not to think of living to Thee
       in my own strength,
    but always to look and rely on Thee
       for assistance.

Teach me that there is no greater truth than this,
    that I can do nothing of myself.
Lord, this is the life that no unconverted man
       can live; yet it is an end that every godly soul
       presses after;

Let it be then my concern to devote myself
       and all to Thee.
Make me more fruitful and more spiritual,
    for barrenness is my daily affliction and load.
How precious is time, and how painful to see it fly
    with little done to good purpose!

I need Thy help:
O may my soul sensibly depend upon Thee
       for all sanctification,
    and every accomplishment of Thy purposes
       for me, for the world,
       and for Thy kingdom.

Oh LORD that this would be true! That I would let go all of expectations of fulfillment here. That my soul would sensibly depend on God for ALL SANCTIFICATION and joy. Why is my soul downcast? He's done it all. Completely and fully.  

He sees me.

I've recently become addicted to the show Parenthood. I adore it. The mish-mash of humor and serious issues plaguing families is wonderful. 

One episode keeps coming to mind. The Grandpa/Grandma pair are going to marriage counseling - the Grandpa is given a line to use when he starts getting overbearing/controlling and hears himself going somewhere he shouldn't with his words. He's supposed to look at his wife (or whoever else he's trying to control) directly in the eyes and say, "I hear you, I see you." The change in his wife's countenance is immediate. She knows that he acknowledges her, he cares about her, he loves her.

That quote came to mind the other day mid journal sesh. I was pouring out my unemployed, angst-ridden heart to the Savior of the universe over a steaming americano at Cafe Milo and saw the words You see me fall onto the page. My wrestling for joy has been pretty intense as of late. The weight of unemployment and burden of neglected or sidelined responsibilities have overwhelmed me to a point of panic. I was expressing to the Lord how the tug of war for my affections, self worth, and identity is exasperating. I hate that the problem exists. I WANT to trust completely. I WANT to delight. I WANT to see myself as He sees me. But I keep getting in my own way. 

The lies are yelling louder than truth. It's turning me against myself, which in turn morphs my brain into believing that everyone else is against me as well. I HATE THIS. All of these thoughts manifesting show my lack of trust in you. Doubt in your provision. A blatant disregard for your affections. A turning away from the mirror you hold that shows my reflection as you see it. You see me as whole. You see me as chosen. You see me as successful. You see me as beautiful. You see me as worthy. More than that...you see me. YOU: the God of the universe who spoke creation into being, who calms raging storms and walks on water. YOU see ME: this mess of an insecure woman battling depression, aching to feel whole. You see me. You get me. YOU KNOW. YOU LOVE. HELP ME TO DO THE SAME!

Isn't that the deepest longing in all of us? To be seen? To be heard? To be known? As I read back on my words, the part that God grabbed my heart with wasn't WHAT He saw in me through Christ as much as it was that He saw me at all. As I recalled the scenes from Parenthood, I realized how much I needed to be reminded that the God of the universe DOES see me. There's even a name of God for it -- El Roi - the God who sees. His word tells me time and time again that He sees and hears and listens. He has not abandoned or forgotten me at all.

So friends that have asked how I'm doing...I'm doing okay. This season is HARD, but my God is good. I'm still applying for jobs (big and small, near and far). I'll probably be taking an hourly job soon to fill the gap in employment and help with my emotional well being. As I continue in this waiting period, I see God changing me. I don't always like it because, quite frankly, it's painful. Some days are better than others. I want to be working, but I trust in my God that knows all things. I trust that in all of the pages of applications I'm filling out, He has something specific in mind. Day by day, verse by verse- I'm making it.

Bad Attitude

My bad attitude ruined today's baking adventure. 

The challenge: make one gluten free apple pie, one gluten/dairy/soy free cran-apple pie, and one normal pumpkin pie. 

What I didn't think about before embarking on said adventure: pie crust ingredients=flour, water, butter or shortening (shortening has soy in it). In other words, I need to magically make a pie crust out of funky tasting flours and make it stick together with something other than butter.

I broke a plastic bowl. I slammed it against the counter. I was smashing the pie crust back into a ball for the 4th time since I couldn't get it to stick together or roll out. Then I burned my hand grabbing the pie out of the oven (oh hey self- a glass pie pan coming out of a 375 degree oven will be HOT). And I was just generally quite frustrated. My impatience made the process aggravating instead of just challenging. 

Everything ended up turning out okay-the realization was that gluten free pie crust WON'T taste exactly like standard pie dough. But it WILL come together and be special. Even if it's a failure, the fact that I tried is what matters to my food intolerant mother. The apple and pumpkin pies are still in the oven, but the cran-apple one just came out. 

So. What did I learn from today? 

1. Make a pot of coffee before starting something of this magnitude. I had no coffee today. Bad news. 

2. Use less coconut flour/coconut oil in the gluten/dairy/soy free pie. The coconut oil gives things a funky aftertaste

3. Use a foil tent on gluten free crusts- they burn even more quickly than regular pie crusts. Watch carefully! 
4. Recognize the whole process as an act of love. Look at that person. Love them through baking with a good attitude instead of getting mad. I failed at this today (SORRY MOM!). 

Old draft, same truth.

I found this draft of a post I started from 7/10/2010

I hate the cycle that I'm in
My heart hurts.
I just don't really know what to do with my life right now.

That's all it was. I guess I couldn't quite get the words to come all the way out and didn't feel like that was sufficient to be a blog post. Funny how I found that today. I think that post is true today, kind of. I hate the cycle of disappointments, yet I know why I risk. I hate that my heart hurts, yet I know that the aches make me ::stop:: and realize that I need Jesus more than anything. And I really don't know what to do with my life right now, but I know who to trust in. His name is Jesus.