I keep thinking I hit rock bottom, only to have another wrench thrown in my path. I called the company I interviewed with back again, only to hear that I would have to wait another two weeks. They're still doing the internal shuffle and don't have the position ready to fill yet. I just wanted to throw my phone against the wall!
God is using this time to shatter my perception of being seemingly content. To reveal the gross state of my heart and the way I hold SO MANY things above Him in my life. To break my heart over my own rebellion and in the process break me of every one of the idols I've been clinging to. The idol of financial stability. The idol of future expectations. The idol of career success. The idol of independence. To show me that HE is my great reward. HE is my stability. HE is my success. HE is my future. Nothing else matters.
I've seen in my past that it takes a lot to get my attention. Often times I find myself face-planting on the ground before I realize something is awry in my life. I see this time of waiting and being a broken mess as one of those face-plants. In His severe mercy, God knows that this is what I need. He has big plans for my life. He has intentionality with this season. IT IS NOT IN VAIN!
This has been a week of profound realizations.
- I'm angry at God. I'm tired of waiting and I don't understand why He's choosing to stretch me like this. My heart is hurting and I'm aching to know SOMETHING (anything!) on the job front. Through my tears and prayers -- I realized that I was beyond just not understanding; I was mad. God has been whispering gently to my tear-stained face that not a single tear falls without Him wiping it away. That he knows my aches. He loves me even when I am defiant. He has me exactly where He wants me. He's breaking down my dependence on myself--showing me that in my own strength, I will not make it. I will be angry and bitter and lonely. In Him, I can trust fully.
- I'm lonely. In the midst of new friendships and changing relationships, I yearn for steady and intense fellowship. I struggle to dig in deeply with new people because I know that people will move on again. God whispers that He is the deepest and most satisfying relationship I will ever have. Lean into Him.